Road Trip...of DOOM
by KidKourage
Summary: Once again KidK has returned! This time she, Zim, and all their friends (and mortal enemies) are taking a road trip to the Lakota Wolf Preserve in North Jersey! Won't *that* be fun? Part 5=The *horrible* adventure of Burger King, and the ride home.
1. Riding in Cars With Boys

Road Trip…of DOOM 

An Invader Zim Fanfiction by KidKourage

Part 1—Riding in Cars With Boys 

          God, my first new fanfiction since February and I couldn't come up with a better title than _this_?  Ah, well, anyhow, you must all be jumping for joy that I have once again manifested myself in fic form, mustn't you?  Of course you must.  Well…probably not.  But still…I'm happy to be writing again, so I hope that you'll be happy to once again read the products of my poor, sleep-deprived (and currently 'freezy-deprived) brain.  You know you love it.  My Daddy is nice and hooked up my computer at my house so I don't hafta cry over losing my RealOne playlists!  Yeeeeeehaw!  My birthday is coming up, so buy me presents!  Many, many presents!

          OK, on with the story, I suppose.  When last we left our heroes and heroines, the fabulous year we've all known for the past five months as 2002 was just beginning.  In the KidK universe, therefore, it's still January.  January was a nice month.  I barely had to go to skool at all…and it snowed…ah, snow and no skool…  This story features one of my favorite places in the entire universe, the Lakota Wolf Preserve.  Since I know that not many of you live in beautiful New Jersey and that even those who do have probably never heard of this place, may I please direct you to their website?  It's www.lakotawolf.com, fittingly enough.  If you can bug your parents into taking you, you won't be disappointed.  Still, I'll be giving you a pretty thorough description of the place through this story, so you can of course make your own opinions.  Lakota Wolf Preserve does not belong to me, but I wish it did…I also do not own anything else in this story (hence its classification as 'fanfiction,' _duh_).  KidK would like to thank her amazing friend, Maniacal Dragon, for helping to inspire the idea for this story during an IM conversation back in March.  See, I do not forget my pals!  ^_^

The scene is KidK's house, on a lovely cold morning in January.  KidK is currently excited out of her mind, because her family and friends are going on a road trip to North Jersey today!  Gir is also excited out of his, ahem, _mind_, but that is of course nothing new.

KidK:  Yay yay!  Gonna go see all my wolf buddies!

Gir:  Arooooooooooooooooooooo!

KidK:  Practicing, Gir?

Gir:  Yup!  Me an' the wolfies are gonna sing good!

KidK:  You sure are!  

Gir:  You too, Missy!  Sing with me!  Aaaaarooooooooooo!

KidK clears her throat rather dramatically and proceeds to let loose with an uncannily authentic-sounding wolf howl (I can do this--it scares people).  It starts low, gets high, and then drops to tenor pitch once more.

Gir (jumping up and down):  Woo!  Woo!  Missy is our lead singer!

Zim (coming upstairs from the lab):  What in the name of all that is Irken was _that_?

Gir:  Missy and I were singing!

Zim:  I've _heard_ you two sing before—in several languages—and that was _not_ singing.  Now are you going to tell me what that horrible noise was, or am I going to have to force it out of you?

Mike-the-Brother (appearing from nowhere):  Oh, KidK wants you to force it out of her!  Heheheheheheh…

KidK:  Don't make me harm you, Mike.  You have to be able to use both your legs to hike around the preserve, you know.

Mike-the-Brother:  Hiking!  Yeah!  Try not to get all tired this time, sis.  (a new idea crosses his mind)  Though I suppose if you _do_, Johnny won't mind carrying you around!  

Zim (taking this the wrong way):  He won't lay a finger on her!

Mike-the-Brother:  Well, _you_ certainly couldn't lift her, Zim!

KidK (valley-girl voice):  Are you, like, calling me _fat_?

KidK's Mom (in the kitchen):  You're not fat, honey.  If you lose any more weight, I'll have to take you to the doctor for anorexia!

KidK:  Nooooo, not the doctor!  I'm scared of him!

Mike-the-Brother:  Oh, you poor doomed moron.

Zim:  Can we please get back to my question?  What in the world were you and Gir doing up here?  It was quite disturbing.

KidK:  We really were singing!  Just in another language—we were practicing our wolf howls.

Zim:  Ah, yes, the 'wolves' I've been hearing so much about.  I looked them up using my lab's database, and I hardly understand why you'd be so enamored with a snarling fang-beast like _that_.

KidK:  Let me guess, your database responded to your query by having you read 'Little Red Riding Hood.'

Zim:  Among other things.  Tallest, the one about the sleigh and the human worm babies was…hideous!  And we're going to go _visit_ such monsters?  Is there adequate _fencing_?  

KidK:  Blah, looks like I'm gonna have to set the record straight for you…won't be the first time I've given this speech…

Mike-the-Brother:  No, not the 'Wolves Rock and Here's Why' speech!

Gir:  Wolfies _are_ rockin'!  Whoa, yeah, get down!  Arrrooooooo!

KidK's Mom:  Now, Missy, we don't have time for that now.  If we don't get going soon, we won't get there in time for the 10:30 Wolf Watch.

KidK:  Hey, it's not like we can leave yet anyway.  We hafta wait until my ride gets here.

Zim:  _Our_ ride, you mean.  There's no way I'm letting you go anywhere with that guy all _alone_.

Mike-the-Brother:  You won't fit in our car anyway, Zim.

KidK (doing 'the voice' again):  Are you calling _Zim_, like, fat now?

Zim:  You weigh twice as much as me, filthy Mike-human! (note: that's not saying much…)

Mike-the-Brother (ironically):  And yet you challenge me with fighting words…I was only referring to the fact that there's only room in our car for five people, and Gaz is coming with _me_.  So that only leaves room for one more.

KidK's Mom:  I really hope there's enough room for five in Johnny's car, too.

KidK's Dad (emerging from the downstairs):  There _has_ to be.  How else are we going to get all those mooching kids to Columbia?  God, to think I've gotta pay for _ten_ of us!

KidK:  It's not _my_ fault you refused to let me drive!  'Nny-kun only volunteered to come in the _first_ place because he's the only other person I trust who has a car!  

KidK's Dad:  He didn't have to invite that kid—whatshisname…Squeek?—along.

Gir:  _I_ invited Squeezy!

KidK:  And, if you remember, _I'm_ the one paying for Zim, Dib, Gaz, and Gir, and 'Nny offered to pay for himself and Todd.  So _you_ end up only shelling out what you would've if it was just us four.  Quit complaining.  (I can talk to my Dad like this, becuz we are good friends. ^.^)

KidK's Dad:  Oh…right.  Well, I've still gotta pay for gas.  (frustrated)  And we've still gotta wait while your crazy friend gets his skinny rear over here!

Mike-the-Brother:  Heh, you mean her crazy _boyfriend_.

KidK:  Mike, you are _so_ lucky that you're going in a different car than me.  Because I can guarantee that if you said something like that without the protection of the 'rents, you'd suffer a serious laser wound.

Mike-the-Brother:  Oh, Zim's gonna get all vengeful on me for besmirching his girlfriend's reputation?

Zim (veeery disdainful):  I wouldn't waste the energy on _you_.

KidK:  Yeah, I meant my _own_ laser.  See?  (she reaches into her trenchcoat's deep pocket and whips out a really serious-looking Irken laser gun)

Mike-the-Brother (eyes wide):  Where did you get _that_?

Zim (equally shocked):  That's an Ultimate Power Blaster 6000!  Only the Almighty Tallest are permitted to arm themselves with those!

KidK (ironically):  What a _coincidence_!  That's just who I _got_ it from!

Zim:  You got it from…?  **_What_**?!

KidK:  Red-sama sent it to me!  He's so cool.  A little goofy in the head, but cool.

Zim:  …how dare you speak of my Tallest like that?  'Goofy?'

KidK's Dad:  Can we argue about the mental capacity of your alien strawbosses later?  Your little friend is here.  Finally.

Gir:  Hey, Missy?

KidK:  Yes, Gir?

Gir:  Let's run down the hill and jump on Squeezy and Johnny-man and say hi!

KidK:  Okay!  Whee!

Mike-the-Brother:  What kind of _cereal_ did you eat this morning?

KidK:  Lucky Charms!  Let's go, Gir!

Gir:  Woo!  Blast off at the speed of light!  (the two jet out of the house to surprise their pals)

Zim:  May the Tallest protect us…

Mike-the-Brother:  Well, apparently, _Red_ at least already _intends_ to.  Man, Zim, you'd better get your guard up _quick_ before you have yet _another_ love rival on your hands!

Zim:  Remember what I said about not wasting the energy of my laser blasters on you?  I take it back.

Meanwhile, outside…

Gir (running out of control down the hill):  Squeeeeeezyyyyyyyyyy!

Squee:  Oh, geez!  Rampaging space robot!  Yeeeeeeeeee!

Squee takes off running, and is chased by Gir all across the yard.  Gir, not having to worry about running out of breath, catches up and leaps on his terrified quarry.  This spectacle is watched bemusedly by KidK and 'Nny, who have in the past couple of weeks become quite used to Gir's antics concerning poor little Todd.

'Nny (shaking his head):  Just another Gir moment, eh?

KidK:  He never ceases to amaze me with his cuteness…and incredible obliviousness to screams of fear.

The two have a little laugh, then smile at each other.

'Nny:  Hi, Missy.

KidK:  Hallo, 'Nny-kun.

'Nny:  …………um…….. (he is suddenly veeery interested in his feet)

KidK:  What's wrong?

'Nny:  I……

KidK:  Oh, come _on_!  You're not still embarrassed about that whole falling asleep on me thing, are you?  I don't mind, really!  Heck, Zim does that all the _time_!  If I _minded_ people falling asleep all over me, he would've gotten his little green butt kicked out on the street _months_ ago.

'Nny:  It's just that…ah, forget it.  I can't think of the right words just yet.  Anyway, shall we get going?

KidK's Dad (leaning out the door):  You'd _better_!  You've still got to pick up those Membrane kids before we can get a move on!

KidK:  We can take the hint, Dad!  You just worry about your own car, OK?

'Nny:  So, who all is riding with us?

Zim (placing himself between KidK and 'Nny):  _I_ am.

'Nny:  Good.

Zim (not paying attention):  Don't even _try_ to talk me out of it—'Good?'

'Nny:  Yes, good.  Missy should get to ride with her best friend, after all.

Zim:  Oh.  

KidK:  And Dib'll probably want to come with us, too.

Zim:  I don't want to spend two hours in a car with the Dib-monkey!  The trip to the Zoo was bad _enough_!

'Nny:  Well, that fills up my car…you, me, Squeegee, Zim, and Dib.

Gir (pausing in his terrorizing):  Awwwwwww, man!  I wanna go with Squeezy!

KidK:  Sorry, Gir, but there just isn't room.  You can go with Mikey and Gazzy, and Mommy and Daddy too, okay?

Gir (thinking this over):  Will I see you and Squeezy and Dibby and Johnny-man and Master when I get there?

KidK:  Yes.

Gir:  Okay!  ^_^  (he skips back into the house to get in the Camry in the garage)

Zim:  Gir!  Don't forget to put on your disguise!

Gir (calling back):  _I wiiiiiiiill_!

Zim:  I never know if he means that he _will_ _do_ as I order or if he _will_ _forget_ to do so.

KidK:  He'll do it.  That little robot loves you so much…

Squee (from within a bush):  Is he gone yet?

KidK (laughing):  He's gone, Todd.  Come on, let's get in the car.

Squee:  Can I sit with you, Missy?

KidK:  Oh, yeah, that's right.  We'd better figure that all out now so there's no arguments later.

Zim:  If you are sitting with the squeeking human child, you'll be in the back, yes?  So that leaves one more back seat and the front seat.  And I _certainly_ won't permit the Dib-monkey to gain the coveted shotgun.

KidK:  Actually, that doesn't seem too bad an idea.  You be in shotgun for the ride up, Todd can have the window seat behind you, I'll be in the middle, and Dib'll have the other window.  That way, you two will be as far away from each other as possible, and I'll be between you to keep you from getting at each other's throats.

'Nny:  That's all well and good, but you must realize that Dib will likely protest Zim's place in the front just as much as Zim would complain if you awarded the seat to Dib.

KidK:  Well, they can switch on the way back.

Zim:  Dib will never put his inferior human posterior in the front seat!

'Nny (raising an eyebrow in annoyance):  Hey, I'm not going to listen to this all the way there and back, okay?  It's already starting to grate on my nerves, almost as much as that stupid 7-11 clerk did this morning.

KidK:  You mean the creepy fat guy?  He always…_looks_ at me. *shudder*

'Nny:  He _looked_ at you?  Well, it's always nice to find extra justification for one's actions, yes?

KidK:  Ahaha…yes.  Come on, guys, let's go.

The four get into their prescribed seating arrangement and thus the trip begins.  First, of course, the two cars full of people (and Irkens and robots) have to make a quick stop at the Membrane house.  Once there, 'Nny gets out of his car to fold his seat forward so's Dib can get into the backseat.

KidK (calling out):  Yo, Dibby!  You're with us, okay?

Dib (running over):  Yeah!

Mike-the-Brother:  And Gaz goes with us…so that we may have a backseat battle royale!

KidK's Dad:  Am I the only one who thought that sounded a little bit…wrong?

KidK's Mom:  Don't corrupt the children, honey.

Gir (now in his dog suit):  Can I play too?!

Mike-the-Brother and Gaz:  _No_!

Gir:  Okay!  

Dib:  Um, excuse me, but why is _Zim_ in the front seat?

KidK:  Because Todd wants to sit with me.  Don't worry, you've been granted shotgun privileges for the ride home.

'Nny:  And that's _that_.  _Don't_ make me regret offering my services here.

Dib (slightly fearfully):  Oh, no, that's just great!  I can't wait!  Ahahaha…

KidK:  And in the meantime you get to sit with _me_!

Dib:  Neat.  (he slides into his seat)  Hello, Squee.

Squee:  *ulp!*  Hello…

Now, finally, it's time for the real trip to start!  Won't this be fun?  Well…interesting, at least.  'Nny fixes his seat and gets back inside, and the two cars pull away from the curb, with the Camry in the lead, and set off for scenic North Jersey (as opposed to _dirty_ North Jersey ^_^).  Within the cream-colored-Camry…

Gir:  Can we listen to music, Daddy?

KidK's Dad (absently):  Ask your mother.

Gir:  Mommy?

KidK's Mom:  What station?

Gir:  Anything!  

KidK's Mom:  Okay, All-Angry-Alternative it is, then.  Oooo, the new Staind song!  

Radio:  To my _mo_ther, to my _fa_ther--it's your _son_ or it's your _daugh_ter.  Are my _screams_ loud enough for you to _hear_ me?  Should I _turn_ this up for _you_?

Mike-the-Brother:  No, not that!

Gaz:  I don't know…it's not so bad.

Gir (in rapid succession):  Why is the man so screamy?  Is he mad at his Mommy and Daddy?  Why?  Is he sad?  How come the man is sad, Mommy?

KidK's Mom:  Uh oh, Gir Twenty Questions.

KidK's Dad:  Turn it off before he asks you to explain what the 'f-word' means.

KidK's Mom:  Oh, I forgot!  Well, _that's_ going off, then.  How about we find the All-Celtic station?

KidK's Dad:  Fine.

Mike-the-Brother:  But the last time we had that station on in KidK's car, Gir did a jig and totally threw off my aim!

Gaz:  Oh, yeah, blame _Gir_ for your humiliating loss, Mike.

Gir:  I like to dance!  Oh, yeah!  (he stands up on the backseat and starts imitating 'Lord of the Dance')  Stomp stomp stomp!  My feets are out of control!  (he hits the wall of the car and falls over into the back of KidK's Dad's seat)

KidK's Dad:  Oof!  Hey, watch it!  

KidK's Mom:  Oh, he didn't mean it.

KidK's Dad (pouty):  Oh, so now you're going to take _his_ side?

Gaz:  This is going to be a very long two hours.

Mike-the-Brother:  Ah, just ignore them and play!  I'm going to finally beat you today!  (he thinks a moment, and shakes his head)  I mean I'm going to beat you _again_ today!

Gaz:  That new war cry of yours is going to take some getting used to.

Mike-the-Brother:  Don't worry, soon _you'll_ be saying 'I'm finally going to beat you again today!'

Gaz (smiling):  Don't bet on it.

Mike-the-Brother:  Let's go, then!

They begin their first battle of the day, a rollicking game called Lotus Warriors With Martial Arts Fury and Pain (I like making up video game names).  Meanwhile, in Johnny C.'s little gray vehicle…

KidK:  Why's everybody being so quiet?

Dib:  Well, what do you want to talk about?

KidK (thinking it over):  Ummmm…have you made anything cool lately?

Dib:  I _have_ been working on the prototype for my alien containment chamber.  The final product will be huge, but I've already got my tabletop model working to perfection.

Zim:  How do you _know_ it works to perfection if it's too small for anything to fit inside?

Dib:  So far it's worked on lab mice…but, you know, it's actually probably big enough for _you_ to fit in, _Zim_, if I stuff you _in_ tight enough!  Maybe I don't even have to bother making the bigger version after all.

Zim:  You won't get me within a _mile_ of that thing, pitiful earth-stink!

Dib:  Oh, so you _fear_ it?

Zim:  No, stupid.  Why would I fear something that is so obviously inferior and probably malfunctioning?

KidK:  Now, boys, this isn't the kind of conversation I had in mind.  And see?  You're making poor Johnny turn his knuckles white on the steering wheel.

They look at 'Nny's seemingly impassive face, and then down at the steering wheel, which is threatening to snap within his death-grip.  The group is plunged back into silence.

Squee:  Um…maybe we could listen to some music?

KidK:  Good idea, Todd!  Hey, 'Nny-kun, have you got any good tapes, or should we just put on the radio?

'Nny:  Well, I have some decent classical tapes, but you probably wouldn't want to listen to them.

KidK:  I _love_ classical music!  I'm a classical pianist, remember?  And when Dad went through his 'must collect everything Dvorak, etc.' phase I got to listen to some really cool stuff.

'Nny:  I like Beethoven, myself.  All that eighteenth and nineteenth century stuff.  The older, the better.  Those new guys like Stravinsky just don't make any sense.

KidK (getting into this):  Stravinsky?  Twentieth century poser!  Him and that creep Richard Strauss.

'Nny:  Oh, god!  That guy doesn't _deserve_ to share the same last name as the Johanns!

Squee (trying to get their attention):  Um…excuse me?  Who?

Dib:  I've heard of Beethoven, but…not the other people.

Zim (trying to sound 'expert'):  Stupid, stupid Dib.  You don't know who the Johanns are?  I thought _every_ normal human would recognize the name of such a great family!

'Nny (a bit surprised):  _You_ know Johann Strauss and Johann II?  

Zim:  Of _course_!  They made many good songs that are quite entertaining and…um…heart moving?  Right, that's it.  Their songs are very moving.

Dib (scoffing):  Oh, I'll _bet_, Zim.  _Name_ one of their (air quotes) 'heart moving songs,' then.

Zim (looking preoccupied):  I…well…there are just too _many_ for me to pick a favorite!  Ahahaha…

Dib:  I said 'name _one_,' not 'name your _favorite_.'

Zim:  I don't have to play your little guessing games, earth monkey.

Dib:  That's right, Zim.  Just _prove_ how much you don't know.

Zim (outraged):  **_I know everything_**!  (folding his arms and looking disdainful) I just don't feel like telling you.

'Nny:  Now stick out your tongue and give him a raspberry.

Zim:  What?

'Nny:  That's all this childish argument needs to make it complete.

KidK:  Come on, guys, it doesn't really matter who knows what about whom. (she _really_ doesn't want 'Nny to get annoyed…)

Squee (thinking):  _Wow, proper grammar!  And I'll bet nobody puts **her** head in the toilet for saying 'whom.'_

KidK:  'Nny, do you have any Schumann?

'Nny (rummaging around):  Let me see…hmmm…not up here.  It's probably in the trunk somewhere.  All I've got in the glove compartment is 'Ode to Joy,' 'Pictures at an Exhibition,' and…our tape.

Zim (suspiciously):  _Whose_ tape?

'Nny:  Mine and Missy's.  She made it for me.

KidK:  Oooo, put that on!  It's the best mix I've ever made!

Zim:  Does it have…_Aqua_ on it?

KidK:  Duh!

Zim: *sigh*  

Squee:  Who's Aqua?

KidK (it's clear she's had too much Lucky Charms):  Only the best music group in the universe!!

Dib (more calm):  They're a Danish pop band that got famous a few years ago for a song called 'Barbie Girl.'

Squee:  Ohhhhh, I remember them.  I liked that song, but the other kids at skool made fun of me and said that means I play with dolls.  Shmee said to find a Barbie doll and stab them with it, but I thought that would only _prove_ that I play with dolls, so I didn't.

KidK and Dib:  o_o ……………

'Nny:  Barbie dolls have sharp hands.  They're kinda dangerous, actually.  (he spaces out a bit, as if he's remembering something)  Aha…ahahaha…heheheheheh…that was funny…

KidK and Dib:  O_O……………………

Zim:  Didn't Gir cry when your Mom said that _your_ Barbies were in the attic and that they were never coming out again?

KidK:  Yes.  Why?

Zim:  Because if they can be used as weapons, they might be worth some…investigation.

KidK:  I know Gir would love you forever if you extracted the Barbies from upstairs.  In the meantime, why don't you put on the tape, 'Nny-kun?

'Nny:  Okie dokie.

He pops 'J & K's Tape of Pointless Happiness' into the car's tape deck and within seconds the little vehicle is saturated with the sounds of…well…pointless happiness.

KidK:  Be _hap_-py!

'Nny:  Everybody _let's_ go _have_ some _fun_!

Zim (shaking his head):  I will _never_ understand you people.

KidK:  Come on, Todd!  Sing along!  The lyrics aren't hard at all!

Squee (grinning):  OK!  _Hap_py _boys_ and _hap_py _girls_ we'll _be_!

Dib:  This is a really good car song, you know?

KidK:  _All_ Aqua is good car songs.

'Nny:  It's just a shame that I have to stay behind your Dad's car, or we could speed up to match the beat.

KidK:  You do that too?  Isn't it fun?  Hey, you know, how come Dad's driving so slow anyway?  I wish my Mom was driving the other car…we'd _be_ there by now.

Zim:  Yes, your Mom is certainly a more…excitable driver than your Dad.

Squee (still singing):  We _are_ the _hap_py _boys_ and _girls_!  Hee, this is fun!

KidK:  Well, 'Nny, we've managed to convert another soul to Aqua-ism…

'Nny:  Yeah, only three more and we get a free lunchbox!

KidK:  Full of promotional stickers and…peanut butter sammitches!

'Nny:  Yay!

Zim:  Just how many Lucky Charms _did_ you eat, KidK?

Dib:  She had Lucky Charms?  Oh, well, that _explains_ it.

KidK (oblivious):  Come _on_ let's _go_ get it _on_!

At about that moment in time, in the car being driven by KidK's Dad, who is a very careful driver…

KidK's Dad (glancing in the rearview mirror):  It certainly seems like _those_ guys are having fun…unlike _me_.

KidK's Mom:  Oh, stop complaining.  Have a Crème-Saver.

KidK's Dad:  Chocolate, please.

KidK's Mom (searching the Life-Saver holder—really the cup holder):  I don't see any chocolate ones in here.

KidK's Dad:  But I restocked it before we left!  I put like ten in there!

KidK's Mom:  Well, don't look at _me_!  What, you think _I_ ate your Crème-Savers?  You know no one dares touch them since you declared them your favorite flavor!  No one who's _sane_, anyway.

KidK's Dad (pondering this):  ………….._Gir_?!

Gir (engrossed in his fun):  _Pig_gy _pig_gy pink pink _pig_gy!  _Squeek_ squeek _squeek_ oink _oink_!

KidK's Dad:  **_Gir_**!

Mike-the-Brother:  Hey, quit yelling, Dad!

Gaz:  Yeah, Mr. Mike's Dad!  We're playing Mega Music Mayhem, and if we can't hear the songs we can't play!

Gir (continuing his 'song'):  _Squeek_y!  _Pig_gy!  Oink oink _oink_!

KidK's Dad:  Gir?

Gir (looking up):  Yeeeeees, Daddy?

KidK's Dad:  Did you eat my chocolate Crème-Savers?

Gir:  I had Choc'late Bubblegum!

KidK's Dad:  Is that a 'yes?'

Mike-the-Brother:  'Chocolate Bubblegum' is KidK's brainfreezy flavor this week…

KidK's Dad:  That doesn't explain where my candy went.

Gir:  The pretty stripy circles went in my Choc'late Bubblegum!  Oink oink crunchy stripy choco-pig!

KidK's Dad (speechless with rage): ……………………….

KidK's Mom (attempting to diffuse the situation):  I might have some in my purse…oh, yes, here's one!  Here you go, honey.

KidK's Dad (placated):  Unwrap it for me?  I can't take both hands off the wheel.

KidK's Mom:  You and your 'careful driving.'

KidK's Dad:  Would you rather get there in one piece, or would you rather that I unwrap my own Life-Saver?

KidK's Mom (grudgingly unwrapping):  Big baby.

Gir:  _Baby_?!  _Where_?!  (he leaps into the front seat, onto KidK's Mom) I wanna play with the baby!!

KidK's Mom:  No, no, Gir, not a real baby.  Daddy's _acting_ like a big baby, though.

KidK's Dad:  How long are you gonna be mad at me over the Life-Saver?

KidK's Mom (sarcastically):  A pretty long time.

Gir:  No babies?  Aw, man!  (he climbs back into the backseat)  Hey, Gazzy, can I play now?

Gaz:  Are you _kidding_?  Get lost!

Gir:  One time I was lost but then Missy found me in her closet!

Mike-the-Brother:  Why in the world were you hiding in KidK's closet?

Gir:  It smells nice…

Mike-the-Brother:  You're _weird_, Gir.

Gir:  I love you too!  And Piggy loves you!  Squeek squeaky 'freezy pig!

KidK's Dad (to Mom):  We _really_ need to do something about that robot.

KidK's Mom:  He's cute.

KidK's Dad:  But annoying.

Gir:  Are we there yet?

KidK's Dad:  *harsh sigh*

Back in 'Nny's car, many of the passengers are amazed to discover yet another of their driver's amazing skills (I repeat words for emphasis ^_^).

'Nny (singing along):  Kana_shi_mi ga ima _see_ra sumairu, kise_ki_ wo okosu no _see_ra uingu, dare _da_tte…kaga_ya_ku _ho_shi wo motsu.  _Makenai_!

Dib:  Now _you_ know the words to these songs, too?  

'Nny (in tune with the song):  Yes I _do_, but I don't have a _clue_…what I'm sing_iiiiiiing_!

KidK:  Hee, neither do I!  (singing) Furu_e_ru mune ni _wa_…ano _hi_no hi_mi_tsuno _ki_su.  

'Nny:  Don_na_ ni tsura_i_…sa_da_mede_mo_…oi_tsu_du_ke_ru ka_ra_!

Zim (pouty):  Huh.  It's not _that_ amazing. (there's that word again!  I need a thesaurus)

Dib:  Do _you_ know the words, Zim?

Zim:  As I said before, I know _everything_!  Do not tempt my wrath, Dib-monkey.

Dib:  You don't, do you?

Zim:  I do so!  She listens to all these stupid songs so much, how can I _not_?

Dib:  I dare you to…(he rethinks this, then continues slyly)…no, I _bet_ you that you _can't_.

Zim (eyes wide):  How much?

Dib:  The cost of everyone's lunch today.

Zim:  I will take that bet…and I will be triumphant!  (he listens to the song for a second, looking for the right point to jump in)  Kura_shi_sa ga ima _see_ra aizu, kise_ki_ wo okosu no _see_ra uingu, dare _da_tte un_mei_ no _ho_shi wo motsu.

KidK:  Yeah!  Sing it, Zimmy!

Zim (grinning evilly back at Dib):  _Makenai_!  Ashita e _see_ra eeru.  _Zettai_!  Tsukama_e_ru _see_ra suta!  Kono _chi_kai todo_ke_…gingama_de_!

Dib:  Of course you know that we never actually shook hands on that bet…

Zim (confused):  We didn't…so?

Dib:  _So_…a bet's not official until you shake hands.

Squee:  S'true.  A guy in my class bet me that I wouldn't eat a bug, and he never paid me—and I think he stole my lunch money—because we didn't shake hands.  The bug tasted funny.

Zim (very angry—and why not?):  Oh you thieving monster _Dib_!  If you have to shake hands to legalize a bet, why did I pay you all that money in Atlantic City?!  I would rather be crushed by a meteor in deep space than touch your filthy hand!

Dib:  Oh, that.  Well, I guess you're just stupid enough to pay me anyway…but _I'm_ not stupid enough to pay _you_.

'Nny:  And so you see the evil of gambling.

KidK:  Dad'll probably force _me_ to pay for all your lunches anyway, so it really doesn't matter.  Let's sing some more!

Squee:  Is the next song in English?

KidK:  Yes.  It's '99 Red Balloons.'

Squee (happily):  I know that one!

KidK:  You do?  I'm surprised…it's kinda before your time.  (pensively)  Before _my_ time, _really_…

Squee:  My Dad gives me all his old records he's sick of…he says it 'shuts me up cheaply.'

KidK:  That's a mean thing to say…but at least you get to listen to all the good old music.  

Squee:  I like it—it's not all screamy and it doesn't say things about killing yourself or hating people.

Dib (ironically):  No, it just says things about nuclear war being caused by balloons.

Squee:  Balloons are scary…_clowns_ have them.

'Nny:  Don't even _mention_ clowns.  I think I must've had a traumatic experience with them as a child, because every time I see one _I just want to…_ (he trails off, takes a deep breath, and resumes driving calmly)

KidK:  You want to what?

'Nny:  What?  Oh.  Nothing.  Never mind.

KidK:  Every time _I_ see a clown, I wanna push it into _traffic_.

Squee:  Can we talk about something else?  Clowns give me nightmares.

KidK:  Then let's just sing, OK?

Squee:  OK!   (singing)  This is _what_ we've _wait_ed for.  This is _it_, boys—this is _war_!  The _Pres_ident is _on_ the line, as _nine_ty-_nine_ red balloons go _by_!

Can you tell that I really love that song?  Because I do.  Over in the Camry, Gir has just made a very important discovery.

Gir:  Look!  Look, everybody!  The sign says 'Land of Make-Beeleeeve.'

Mike-the-Brother:  Oh yeah, I forgot about that!  Heh, I think it's some kinda lame theme park for toddlers.

Gaz:  I think I've been there.  But I'm not sure.

KidK's Dad:  I'm pretty sure I went there as a kid…but I'm not sure either.

Mike-the-Brother:  It must just be so horrible that you've both subconsciously blocked out the memory.

Gir:  I wanna go!  Can we, Mommy?

KidK's Mom:  Not now, Gir.

Gir:  Awwwwwwwwwwwww!

KidK's Mom:  But Gir!  We're going to go see the wolves, remember?

Gir:  Oh yeeeaaah…we're gonna sing all day long!  Arooooooooooooo!

KidK's Dad:  Why'd you have to remind him about that howling?

KidK's Mom:  I honestly didn't mean to.

Gaz:  Mike, what are you doing?  Is your _brain_ in the Land of Make-Believe?  You could try to actually _play_, here.

Mike-the-Brother:  What're _you_ talking about, Gaz?  _You're_ the one who almost lost because she forgot that tapping B makes it easier to turn curves.

Gaz:  I didn't forget!  Gir was pulling my hair and messing me up!

Mike-the-Brother:  Oh, it's all _Gir's_ fault now?

Gaz:  Grrr…don't make me destroy you.

It would appear that the other group has noticed the odd North Jersey-type road signs as well…

KidK (very sarcastically):  Heh.  Look, guys—if we turn right here we'll end up in the Land of Make-Believe.  

Dib:  Right.  And to the left is Humpty Dumpty's Enchanted Rest Stop.  I'm so _sure_.

KidK:  Was that sarcasm, Dib?  Because we're actually passing Humpty Dumpty's Enchanted Rest Stop right now.

Dib (looking out the window in shock):  Huh.  What do you know?

'Nny:  I think I might've actually _been_ to the Land of Make-Believe.  But I can't quite remember.  (rather resentfully)  Not that _that's_ anything new.

KidK:  My Dad says the same thing…it's just one of those places you go to…and then forget about because it was so stupid.

Zim:  Why is that bird wearing a hat?

KidK:  It's called 'Mother Goose.'  People think dressing animals up in human clothes is cute and will delight kiddies everywhere…

Squee:  I used to think that the animals had _eaten_ the people that the clothes belonged to.

'Nny:  _Didn't_ they?

KidK:  …but really it just _scares_ kiddies everywhere.  Incidentally, Dad says that that's where Smokey the Bear got _his_ clothes--eating hapless campers.

Dib (as Smokey):  'Only _you_ can prevent forest fires…but you _can't_ prevent me from devouring you.'  Smokey the Bear exists, you know.  He's out there somewhere…

Zim (looking around with a tinge of fear):  There are _bears_ around here?

Dib:  Oh, sure.  There're all _kinds_ of wild animals in the forests of…(he narrows his eyes maliciously)…**_North_**_.  **Jersey**_.  Why?  Are you _scaaaaared_?

KidK:  There aren't any _bears_.

Zim:  See?  Some people don't know as much as they _think_ they know, eh…_Dib_?

Squee:  Yeah-_huh_.  There are _too_ bears.  We saw a video in skool about it.  It was called 'Dangers in Your Own Backyard.'  It had these little kids who went outside to play and then the baseball bat and glove came to life and told them about all the _horrible_ things that would happen to them if they went in the woods!  

'Nny:  Heh.  Most of them involved being beaten and strangled to death by talking baseball bats and gloves.

Squee:  Um…nope, I don't remember that one.  But I _do_ remember that there were bears.  And wildcats!  And…turtles!

Zim (aghast):  Not…_turtles_!  Oh, those slimy shell-beasts are so _smug_ inside their armor!  They look at you like they're _plotting_ something and then they just walk around in slow motion…they're making _fun_ of me!

'Nny:  Turtles, eh?  I always _thought_ they were in league with the squirrels…

KidK:  Nah, squirrels are the _ultimate_ evil.  They purposely try to get cars to crash.

Squee:  I _saw_ that commercial!

'Nny (eyes wide):  They watch me, you know.

Dib (leaning over to talk to 'Nny):  Are they _paranormal_ squirrels?  Do they glow in the dark?  Or talk?  Can they _talk_?  What do they _say_?  Are they from outer space?  I'll bet they're from outer space.

Zim:  So there are going to be bears, wildcats, turtles, and radioactive monster squirrels where we are going, on top of the fact that there are _wolves_?  Remind me never to go anywhere with you again.

Dib and 'Nny:  OK.

Zim:  Good…hey, was that supposed to be an insult?  No one insults the mighty _Zim_!

Dib (ignoring him):  So, Johnny…about these squirrels…

KidK:  Well, Todd, you opened up a huge can o' worms with that one.

Squee:  The bears scare me, Missy.

KidK:  Don't worry.  I'm sure that by this time, all the bears are hibernating.  OK?

Squee:  OK.  Missy?

KidK:  Mmmhmm?

Squee:  Do the turtles _really_--

KidK (cutting him off):  No, Zimmy's just a little paranoid about his mission.

Squee:  He's an alien, huh.

KidK:  Yes.

Squee:  Is he gonna take over our planet and enslave all mankind?

KidK:  It all depends.  Dib always tries to stop him, and Gir's always messing things up…but if he ever _does_ succeed, I'll make sure that you're on the list of people who _don't_ get enslaved.

Squee:  Well, in _that_ case, I hope Zim wins!  That way, he can tell all the kids at skool not to put my books in the trash anymore!  

Zim (who has been listening this whole time):  Ha!  Hear that, Dib?  

Dib (still not paying attention):  …so they want to know your secrets…but _why_?  Oh, what do _you_ want, Zim?

Zim:  Just to tell you that you've lost yet _another_ ally in our great battle for the fate of this piece of rock.  Not that you had any chance of defeating me _anyway_.

Dib:  What do you _mean_, 'yet another ally?'

Zim:  The Squeek-human is on _my_ side now!  And you already _knew_ that _KidK_ is one of my loyal followers.

Dib:  That's not true!  Squee doesn't _really_ want you taking over!  And neither does KidK!  _Especially_ not KidK!

Zim:  And why _not_?  They have seen that I am the superior being.  

Dib:  'Superior being?'  Ha!  You're nothing more than a two-and-a-half foot tall _loser_, Zim!  Superior to what?  _Chipmunks_?

Zim:  Filthy dirt monkey!  You underestimate my awesome prowess!!!  I am two feet _nine inches_ tall!

Dib:  Are we supposed to be _impressed_?  When all you've done is fail miserably at my hands?  (he shakes his head)  Sometimes I really don't understand why I even bother to fight against you anymore.  

Zim:  Fine then!  _Don't_!  It doesn't matter to me anyway, since you are only a mild annoyance in the _first_ place!  With or without your interference, I will soon _rule_ your putrid planet!  

Dib:  And you think that KidK _approves_ of this?  It's _her_ planet too!  KidK, tell him that he's a moron and that you'd _never_ want to see your species dominated by alien forces!

KidK (opening her mouth to speak):  I--

Zim:  KidK is _my_ partner in doom, _Dib_.  Got that?  **_Mine_**.  _Not_ yours.  

'Nny (quietly and deliberately):  People don't _belong_ to other people.  You have _no right_ to talk about Missy as if she's a commodity.  Now _shut up_ and just listen to the music before I _really_ put an end to this discussion.

Zim and Dib shut up _fast_, as they have a pretty good idea about what Johnny means by 'putting an end to the discussion.'  And so, they make a few final faces at each other and then keep quiet.  After several minutes of this…

Squee (very softly):  I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to--

'Nny:  S'okay, Squeegee.  Not _your_ fault…go ahead and sing along again, if you want.

KidK:  If you know '99 Red Balloons,' you _must_ know 'Heart of Glass.'

Squee:  I do.  But are you sure it's OK?

KidK:  Of course.  We should be almost there anyway, so there's no sense in stopping _now_.  *sigh* I remember the last time I sang this song with somebody.  It was…nine months ago.  Wow, can you believe that Dib?  It's been _nine months_ since we sang this together.

Dib:  You know, you're right.  Feels like it was just a few days ago!  Let's sing it together again, for old time's sake.

Zim (always ready for a fight):  You already _had_ your chance, Dib-monkey.  It's _my_ turn to sing it with KidK.

Dib:  But you'll just screw up the lyrics!  And you don't have the right kind of voice for this song at all!

Zim:  What?!  My voice is perfect for _all_ songs!  My voice rules over all other voices!

Dib:  Yeah, right.  That's why KidK sang it with _me_.

'Nny:  You know, guys, I'd threaten you again, but it'd just be a waste of breath.  (without taking his eyes off the road, he points his thumb in the direction of the backseat)

KidK and Squee (singing happily):  _Lost_ inside a gullible illusion and I _can_not hide.  _I'm_ the _one_ you're _u_sin'—please don't push me a_side_.  We coulda made it _crui_sin', ye_ah_…

'Nny:  See?

Zim:  Hmf…

Dib:  Huh.

The other car, which we haven't visited in a while, is also full of music as Gir annoys the spit out of his 'Mommy and Daddy.'

Gir (screeching at the top of his lungs):  _Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm_ comin' up, so you _better_ get this party started!

KidK's Mom:  Gir, could you please keep it down?

Gir:  _Boo_-lee-vard is _freak_in' as I'm _co_min' up _fast_, _I'll_ be burnin' _rub_ber you'll be _kiss_in' my—

KidK's Mom (quite loudly):  Gir, that's _enough_!

Gir:  Aw, man!  But Pinky's just comin' up to my favorite part!  Pleeeeeeze lemme sing, Mommy?

KidK's Mom: *sigh*  Go—

KidK's Dad:  No way!  You've gotta show that thing who's boss!  That's the only way to get respect as a parent!

Gaz:  …and that's why Super Super Slash 3 is twice as cool as Super Super Slash 2.

Mike-the-Brother (all in one breath):  DadcanIhaveSuperSuperSlash3?

KidK's Dad:  Where can I go to get it for you?  (he realizes what's just happened) Before you say anything, honey, _don't_.

KidK's Mom:  Haa…

Gir:  _Pump_in' up the _vol_ume wit' this _brand_ new _beat_, _ev_erybody's _dan_cin' an' they're _dan_cin' for _me_!

Mike-the-Brother:  And to think that I was once the one who _liked_ this song…hey, aren't we supposed to _be_ there by now?

KidK's Mom:  We would be if your father wasn't so obsessed with staying in the slow lane on highways…

KidK's Dad:  Come to think of it, we should probably be coming up on the final turn sometime soon.

Mike-the-Brother:  'Come to think of it?'  You _weren't_ thinking of it?

KidK's Dad (mock-sappily):  No, I was thinking of all the wonderful presents I can buy for my respectful and caring son.

Mike-the-Brother (equally sarcastic):  Oh, thanks Dad.  I _reeeeeally_ appreciate it.

KidK's Dad:  Now, you guys are gonna hafta help me a little bit here, since I don't really remember exactly where the turn is, and I think it's one of those 'hidden driveway' things.  Look for a left turn that says 'Mount Pleasant Road.'

KidK's Mom:  Should I call the kids and tell them to look too?

KidK's Dad:  Why?  They have to follow me anyhow.  Even if they see it, we'll be past it before they can let us know.

KidK's Mom:  We could make up a special hand signal.

KidK's Dad:  Oh, well then, by all means go ahead.

KidK's Mom:  I was going to anyway.  

She picks up her cell phone and dials—now you can picture one of those splitscreen things to make it easier on your poor brain and mine.

KidK:  Hey, my phone's ringin'!  (she clicks the answer button)  Hallo, who is this?

KidK's Mom:  It's me!  Who _else_ would it be?

KidK:  Just pullin' the same thing you always pull on me when I call _you_, Mommy.  What's up?

Dib (in the background): *snicker* Mommy?

KidK's Mom:  Just wanted to let you know that we'll be getting there soon but that your father doesn't know where he's going so you have to help him look for the turn.

KidK's Dad (likewise in the background):  Hey, I know where I'm going! 

KidK's Mom (ignoring him):  It's called Mount Pleasant Road, so look for the sign and if you see it then wave and we'll know to turn.

KidK:  Somehow I doubt this is going to work, but OK.  See you in a few, then.

KidK's Mom:  Bye!  (they both hang up)

KidK:  Mom says we've gotta look for a sign that says 'Mount Pleasant Road' and to wave if we see—'Nny-kun, what're you doing?

'Nny:  Waving.  That turn was two miles back.

KidK:  Oh.  Uh oh.  (grinning)  Heh.  Yet another road trip adventure with Dad.  Wonder if he's noticed yet.

Flash to the Camry!

KidK's Dad:  What's that kid doing?  We haven't passed any left turns since you got off the phone with Missy!  Is he making _fun_ of me?!

Gaz:  What road were we looking for again?

KidK's Dad:  Mount Pleasant Road.

Gaz (dismissively):  Oh, that was a couple miles ago, wasn't it?

KidK's Mom:  --

KidK's Dad:  Do _not_ say a _word_.

Mike-the-Brother:  Hey, _now_ what're we gonna do?

KidK's Dad (looking around for options):  We're gonna do…something possibly illegal!

Mike-the-Brother:  Woohoo!

KidK's Mom:  You don't mean a sudden U-turn?  (she notices the wild gleam in her husband's eyes)  Oh, honey, no!  What if the kids don't catch on quick enough and can't follow us?

KidK's Dad:  Did you get a _good_ look at Missy's little comic book friend?  I think he can do it.  See that turn-off down there?  That's where we'll do it.

Mike-the-Brother:  Hold on tight, Gaz—Dad's gonna do something cool!

Gaz (unimpressed):  Really.

When the Camry reaches the aforementioned turn-off, KidK's Dad suddenly banks sharply to the left, turning the steering wheel quickly to send the car into a tight half-circle.  Thus the car ends up completely turned around from its starting point in the left lane of the northbound side to the left lane of the southbound side.  All this occurs in the space of a few seconds.  During those same few seconds, in the little gray car following behind…

KidK:  Oh, cripes!  He's not going to—he _is_, _is_n't he.

Dib:  What?  What?

KidK:  Illegal U-turn.  Dad's signature move when he doesn't have a clue where he is.  Can you follow him, 'Nny-kun?

'Nny:  Do birds fly, Missy?

Squee:  Penguins don't.  I don't think ostriches can, either.

Zim (pointing accusingly at Johnny):  Be _careful_, 'Nny-human, or something _horrible_ might happen to me!

Johnny ignores these comments and, just a split second after KidK's Dad makes his turnaround, spins his own steering wheel, throwing the car into a sharp curve—but not sharp enough.  The car follows its arc across both lanes of the northbound highway, catching some passing vehicles by surprise as it slides across traffic.  

Zim:  We're going to die_eeeeeeeeeeeee_!  I hate you, 'Nny-hu_maaaaaaaan_!

Squee (burying his head in KidK's arm):  *_squeeeeeeeeeeeeeee_!*

Dib:  Oh my _God_!

KidK (laughing brainlessly):  Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  

There is a bump as the tires hit the grass on the other side of the highway, skidding and throwing up dirt before the car makes its way back onto the highway.

KidK:  That was fun!  Can we go again?

Dib:  Shouldn't the Lucky Charms have worn off by now…?

Zim (panting in terror):  How…could that…_happen_?!  You are…the _worst_ driver…_on_ this stupid planet…and that's saying a _lot_…since I've ridden in a car with…KidK's Mom!  You stupid…_stupid_—

'Nny (shrugging):  We're all alive and on our way, aren't we?  And if I could throw a bit of fear into you in the process, well…how could I pass up that chance?  (he throws Zim a half-mocking glance out of the corner of his eye, a bemused smile playing on his lips)

Zim:  You did that on _purpose_?!  How dare you toy with the almighty _Zim_?!

Dib:  Heh.  Almighty Zim was screaming for his mommy.

KidK:  Zimmy is cute when he's all screamy.  'Nny, if you really _did_ mean to do that, and yet you managed not to get us killed crossing two lanes of highway traffic, then you are just as good a driver as my Dad.

'Nny:  I shouldn't tell _him_ that, if I were you.  Anyone who makes illegal U-turns like _that_ probably covets his role as master of the highway.

KidK:  True, true.  Well, here's our turn…for the second time.  Hey, you all right, Todd?

Squee (detaching himself):  Umm…yes, I think.  Yes.

KidK:  Cool.  Just a couple more miles of fun roller coaster-type hills and we're there.

Squee:  Hills?  (he renews his grip on KidK's arm)  *squee*

KidK:  Aw, it's not so bad…

Flash to the other car!

Gaz:  You call these _hills_, Mike?

Mike-the-Brother (sheepishly):  They seemed bigger before.

KidK's Dad:  Is _this_ it?  _Is_ it?

KidK's Mom:  The sign says 'Lakota Wolf,' honey.  What _else_ would it be?  Besides, I recognize the parking lot.  (frowning) Or lack thereof.

KidK's Dad pulls his car into the dirt-and-stone parking lot of what the big sign outside proclaims to be Camp Taylor Campground—Home of Lakota Wolf Preserve.  Johnny's car follows suit, and the road warriors finally reach their destination.

Gir (leaping out of the Camry):  Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!  We're heeeeeeeeeeere!  (he bounds over to the other car)  I _missed_ you, Missy!  I _missed_ you, Master!  I _missed_ you, Johnny-man!  I _missed_ you, Dibby!  I _missed_ you…_Squeezyyyyyyyy_!  (he runs toward Squee)

Squee:  Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! (he dashes away, leading Gir in circles)

Mike-the-Brother (unfolding himself and stretching):  Man!  It feels good to stand up!

Gaz:  Whatever.  (she looks around)  Huh.  Trees.  Cool.  (she goes back to playing her GameBoy)

KidK:  Well, boys, here we are!

Dib:  A campground general store?

KidK:  This is where we sign in!  And then the fun _really_ begins!  (she grins maniacally)

Zim:  I do _not_ like that look, KidK.  Whenever you smile like that _I_ get injured somehow.

'Nny:  Heh.  Fun indeed.

Squee (stopping short):  Uh oh…

KidK:  Nah, don't worry Todd.  We're gonna go see the wolves!

Gir:  Woo hoooooooooooo!  Aarrroooooooooooooooooooo!

KidK:  Yeah, Gir!  Time to make some wild music, mah homey!

Dib:  Hmmm…they must be making Lucky Charms more potent now.

Mike-the-Brother:  She ate a _lot_.

Dib:  Oh.  _Well_ then.

KidK:  Well, what are we waiting for?  Let's go sign up!

_Our Heroes Have Arrived at Lakota Wolf Preserve!  But The Fun is Just Starting!  What Horrors and Delights Await Them in the Forests of…Bum Bum Bummmmm…North Jersey?  Find Out in the Next Installment of 'Road Trip…of DOOM!'_


	2. Hot on the Trail

Road Trip…of DOOM

An Invader Zim Fanfiction by KidKourage

Part 2—Hot on the Trail 

          Okay, okay, so I'm naming the chapters after movies.  I'm unoriginal and pathetic…soooooy un perdedooor—I'm a loser, baby, so why don'tcha kill me?  Just try it!  I've got my laser to protect me!  Ha, now I am off-topic!  Yay!  Anyway, that first chap was entirely made up of tiny little discussions I'd had floating around in my head and that desperately needed extrication.  That's why it ended up so long.  Don't worry, now that we've arrived at the Lakota Preserve, I'm gonna actually focus on what this story was supposed to be about in the first place.  I just felt the urge to make a 'road trip' story, since all the best conversations happen in cars (and Burger King, but that's coming later).  Hiking is fuuuuuun…have you bought me those presents yet?  Huh?!  I demand tribute!  No…no I don't.

The scene is the wonderful Lakota Wolf Preserve!  Well, the Camp Taylor Campground, anyway.  Before you can actually go to the preserve, you've gotta sign in and get your hand stamped at the Campground general store.  Which is full of gift shop-type stuff.  _Breakable_-type stuff.  Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to bring Gir in here.

Gir:  The door jingles!  Jingle _door_, jingle _door_, jingle _all_ the _waaaaaay_!

Mike-the-Brother:  It's not the _door_, stupid, it's the bell _above_ the door.

Zim:  Do not call my robot slave stupid, Mike-filth!  _You_ are stupid!

Mike-the-Brother:  _You're_ stupid, stupid-head!

Gaz:  You're _both_ stupid.  Now shut up!

'Nny (lagging behind):  Ah, yes.  The start of a very fun adventure…why did I agree to this torture, anyway?

KidK:  Because you're such a nice person whom I can count on to help me.  Don't let them get to you—under all the arguing, they're really sweet.  

'Nny:  If you say so.  Really, it's all I can do to keep myself from doing unpleasant things to some of these people…but I won't, because you love them.

KidK:  That I do.  And I love _you_ just as much.  Come on, now, let's go pay up our shares of the entrance fee before Dad freaks on us.

KidK links arms with a totally stunned Johnny and pulls him over to the counter, where her Dad is indeed waiting impatiently.

KidK's Dad:  Finally!  I thought you were going to skip out on your shares and leave me to pay the monumental cost by myself!

KidK:  Monumental my butt.  What's the damage?

KidK's Dad:  I haven't even asked yet.  I wanted you to be here to catch me when I have a heart attack.

KidK's Mom:  Oh, honey, don't say things like that!

Shop Worker Joel:  Are you all here for the 10:30 Wolf Watch?

Gir (dropping from the ceiling onto Joel):  _I'm gonna sing with the wolves!  Wooooooooooooooooooooo!  _

Squee:  Eeeeeeeek!

Shop Worker Joel:  Sweet jumpin' jellybean!  What the [censored] is _this_ thing?

KidK's Mom:  Hey, you, don't talk like that in front of my kids!  

Shop Worker Joel (sheepishly—Mom can be scary too): Sorry.  But, you know, day visitors aren't allowed to bring pets.

Zim:  **_Fool_**!  This is not a _pet_!  It's…(he realizes he's giving away 'secrets')…it's not a deadly robot slave either!  It's my special virtual pet that has…amazing artificial intelligence!  

Dib:  _Very_ artificial.

Zim:  Yes!  Gir is so amazing that its intelligence is as artificial as that of the Dib-monkey here!

Shop Worker Joel (raising an eyebrow):  O…kayyyy…so, since it's a robot or whatever I guess it doesn't count as a guest.

KidK:  Yay!  Less payment for meeee!

Shop Worker Joel:  Riiiiight…can you get it off my head now?

Gir:  I'm the king of head mountain!  (he is distracted by something else)  Oooo, look!  Magnets!  (he jumps off Joel and races off to the display)

KidK:  Dib, stop him from breaking things!

Dib:  *sigh*  I'll do my best.  But if that thing bites me I'm holding Zim responsible for my medical bills.

Zim:  Gir does not bite disgusting monkey worms.

Dib:  _Ohhhhh_, so _that's_ why he hasn't ever bitten you!

Squee:  Gir _bites_?

Gir (off in the background):  Whee!  Merry-go-round!  I'm spinnin'!

Dib:  Girgetoffthatdisplay!  (there is a loud crash)  Oh, well, I'll go clean that up, I suppose.  

KidK:  Thanks, Dibby.  ^_^  (to Joel) So, how much do we owe, ya, Mister Joel Person?

Shop Worker Joel:  Well, it all depends on how old you all are.  The fee for people under twelve is five dollars, and for people over twelve is fifteen.  Also, we like to ask people their ages so we can find out what our established 'audience' is and who we need to target more to advertise for our educational programs.  So just go around and tell me how old you are.  You first, sir.

KidK's Dad:  Forty seven.

KidK's Mom:  A lady doesn't tell her age, so let's just say that I can legally gamble and drink if I feel like it.

KidK's Dad:  Though doing it legally takes all the fun out of it.

KidK:  Ha ha, very funny, Dad.  I'm 18.

Mike-the-Brother (too brightly):  I'm 15 and in the ninth grade!

Gaz:  Mike, quit impersonating anime skoolgirls.  Didn't you get enough of that after you ordered KidK to make you a superhero?

Mike-the-Brother:  Hmf.  Not even as though she gave me the right hat… (note: semi-inside joke)

Shop Worker Joel:  And how old are you, little girl?

Gaz:  Eleven.  And if you call me 'little girl' again I'll feed your guts to the bears.

Shop Worker Joel:  Ahahaha…and how about you?  (he points at Zim)

Zim:  Me?  

KidK:  Yeah, I've been wondering about that myself…

Zim (looking nervous):  I am…I too am eleven!  Yes!  Only charge KidK five dollars for my entry, for I am not yet twelve!  

Mike-the-Brother:  Hey, no way are you eleven, Zim!  You always go around saying how you're 'not a minor' and whatnot, so why would you—ow!

Zim:  Oh, I'm so sorry, Mike-pig!  My foot must've slipped into your freakishly thin leg stick!  (he smiles 'innocently' at the wide-eyed Joel)  No, do not believe the noise of this stink beast…he only serves to pollute the air with his foul emissions.  I am indeed eleven.

Dib:  You're just trying to cover for your alien identity, Zim!  You're probably like a thousand years old or something!

Zim:  Listen to the poor crazy child!  He believes I am an alien!

Shop Worker Joel:  Well, _that's_ impossible, so I guess I can believe you that you're eleven.

Zim:  Thank you, Joel.  Your cooperation will be remembered favorably.

KidK:  Dib, where's Gir?

Dib:  He got himself stuck in a t-shirt.

Gaz:  Heh.  Just like you always do when you try to fit that head of yours through the collar.

Mike-the-Brother:  Yeah, why _is_ your head so big, Dib?

KidK:  Shut up, Mike.  Why are your_ feet_ so big?

Mike-the-Brother (hanging his head in shame):  I dunno…

Dib:  I'm twelve, by the way.  (there is another crash)  But my hair's gonna go gray if I have to watch that stupid robot much longer!  (he runs off to save the store from destruction)

KidK:  Which just leaves Squee and 'Nny.

Squee:  I'm ten…

Gaz:  You are?  Aren't you in the same grade as me?  In the other section, right?

Squee:  Yeah, but…I kinda got moved ahead a year cuz the counselors said I was advanced in reading and cuz they told my dad that that'd mean I'd finish skool a year earlier and could get a job and move out sooner.

KidK:  Wow, Todd!  You're really smart!  I'll bet you'll get to make a speech at a graduation someday, huh?

Squee (blush!):  Maybe…

KidK:  Make sure you invite me, OK?

Squee:  …OK!

'Nny:  Me too, Squeegee.  I'll be so proud. 

Squee:  Um…okay…

'Nny:  Well, there's just me left now.  I think I'm twenty-four now…yeah, I think that's probably right.  S'hard to keep track of temporal things when you have no idea how long you were dead.  Not to mention how many millions of years you've spent _sleeping_.

Mike-the-Brother:  Twenty-four, eh?  I _knew_ my sister liked older men!  You're six whole years older than her!

'Nny:  Actually, I'm…five years, ten months, and twenty days older.

Mike-the-Brother:  O_O  

KidK:  Hmmm…lemme figure it out then.  Math can be fun!  Do the subtraction…your birthday is a month and ten days after mine…and mine is May 27…so that's June 27 plus ten…wait.  You'll be twenty-five this year?

'Nny:  …yes.  Assuming that the time-space continuum isn't ruptured, which isn't always a guaranteed thing.

KidK:  So that would make your official date of birth…geez.  That's cool, 'Nny-kun!

'Nny:  People always used to think I was joking when I wrote it on skool forms and such.  They were sorry, later.  (note:  you are all smart people…figure it out!  Well…I'll put it at the end of the chapter, 'k?)

KidK:  So that's all of us.  What's the fee?

Shop Worker Joel:  That's three under-twelves and six twelve-and-overs, so…a hundred and five dollars.

KidK's Dad:  Ugh…how much of that is mine?

KidK:  Sixty.  And I've got the rest.

'Nny:  But—

KidK:  I forgot how cheap it is for kids, and since Gir's a free ride…don't worry 'bout it.

'Nny:  …………I buy lunch then.

KidK's Dad:  Deal!  

Shop Worker Joel:  Now you've just gotta get your hands stamped and you'll be all set for the Wolf Watch.  (he begins stamping hands while reciting the required mantra)  Now, the actual preserve is just a .9-mile hike from here.  You go out, behind the store and follow the trail, which is marked by signs with wolf pawprints on them.  If you'd like to skip the hike, you can wait until 10:20 for the van ride up.

Mike-the-Brother:  Naw, we're not wusses!  We're gonna hike!

KidK:  I just had one last question—I sponsored a wolf the last time my family came here, and I brought this here giant Milkbone for her.  Do you think it'd be OK if I gave it to the tour guide man to give her?  You guys feed the wolves dog snacks as treats anyway, so it should be okay…right?

Shop Worker Joel:  Don't see why not.  Which wolf did you sponsor?

KidK:  Silver!  She's so pretty, and she has the same name as my favorite character from 'Julie of the Wolves.'

Shop Worker Joel:  Yeah, Silver's a sweet wolf.  I hope you all have fun today.  Enjoy your stay!

After some hasty cleanup work from Gir's misbehaving, the gang exits the store and begins the hike up to the preserve.  It's not really all that bad.  If you go in summer, you'll get a little more overheated, but in winter what you've really got to watch out for is…

Mike-the-Brother:  Snow!  

Gir:  Woo!  Let's have a snowball fight, Squeezy!

Squee:  Heehee!  I'll get you, Gir!  (Awwww! ^.^)

Zim:  Dear Tallest, _no_!  How can there be _snow_ here?  There was none at _home_!

KidK:  Well, this _is_ _North_ Jersey…I guess it's colder here than it is where we live.  It's not that deep, and it looks like they've mostly cleared it off the trail.

Zim:  It is a _very_ good thing that I've been bathing in paste every day since our _last_ unfortunate experience with the evil fluff water, or I would be forced to allow one of you human filth beasts to _carry_ me.

Dib:  Like anyone would _want_ to.

Zim:  You should all feel honored that I would even _consider_ it!

KidK:  Just be careful, okay Zimmy?  The trail's kinda steep in places and I don't want you getting hurt.

Mike-the-Brother (menacingly):  Yeah, don't have any unfortunate accidents and fall into the drifts, _Zim_.  It'd be a _shame_ if you got all _burny_, especially since that would impair your ability to _kick_ people.

Zim:  Are you threatening me?  Because if you are, I—

KidK:  Duck!

Zim:  What?  Where?

He turns around sharply and is hit in the face by a snowball thrown by Squee.  Already the paste is doing its job.  However, this does not stop the easily offended Irken from becoming enraged.

Zim:  _Stupid **human**_!  How dare you throw that hideous snow substance at _Zim_!

Squee:  I…I'm real sorry, Zim.  I was aiming at Gir but he's so fast and—_please don't blast me with your alien laser guns_!  *squeeeeee*

Zim:  You think I will show you _mercy_?!

'Nny (towering over Zim):  _I_ think you had _better_.

Zim:  O_o …………….ahahaha…what was I thinking?  It's no problem, earth-child.  Go ahead and pelt me with burning snow whenever you wish.  (he pats the cringing Squee on the head)  No go off and have fun!  Yes!  Watery snowy white fun!

Mike-the-Brother:  Are we cowering in terror or are we walking?

Gaz:  Yeah!  The sooner we get there, the sooner I can turn my GameBoy back on.

KidK's Mom:  You kids can go on ahead—don't worry about us old folks.  Just don't get lost!

KidK's Dad:  Especially not you kids who belong to other people!  Mike, Missy, you can get lost if you want to, but I can't afford a lawsuit!

KidK:  Yay!  My father told me to get lost!  I feel so loved!  

Squee:  Really?  When _my_ daddy tells me to get lost, it makes me sad.

KidK:  Come on!  Let's leave our detractors in the dust and hike to our hearts' content!

They set off, following the trail from the general store around the big frozen lake.  Mike and Gaz are discussing game strategy as they skirt the random boulders and patches of ice, Zim and Dib are locked in mental combat as usual (this time arguing over who deserves to fall through the lake's coating of ice more ^_^), 'Nny is walking along silently, staring longingly at the trees and wishing he could disappear into their peacefulness and solitude forever (or just go somewhere far away from Zim and Dib), and KidK's parents are lagging behind, treading slowly in an attempt not to fall over, which is highly unlikely in any case.  And of course KidK and Gir are leading the pack, happily detailing all the fun they're going to have, singing random songs, and pointing out all the 'cool nature thingies' they see on the way.  Squee is trying to keep as close to KidK as possible, for fear of bears, wildcats, turtles, giant radioactive monster squirrels, and Gir.

KidK:  Hi-_ho_, hi-_ho_!  To _see_ the wolves we go!

Gir:  Dee _dee_ dee _dee_ doo _doo_ doo _doo_!  Hi-_ho_!  Hi-_ho_!

Mike-the-Brother:  KidK is excited about physical exertion.  (in a creepy, screechy voice)  This has never happened before!

KidK:  Mike, you probably don't even remember what it is you're quoting from, do you?

Mike-the-Brother:  Um…no?  It's just one of those things we always say.

Gaz:  'Nightmare Before Christmas.'  The unicycle clown thing says it when everyone's surprised that Jack isn't home.  (she notices the odd stares)  What?  I can't watch a movie every once in a while?

Dib:  Look!  The sign says not to throw rocks at the lake!

KidK:  I think that's because the campers want to use it for skating if the ice gets thick enough.

Dib:  No, I mean it says we can't throw _rocks_ at the lake!  It doesn't say _anything_ about evil conquering _aliens_!  We can toss Zim in with immunity!

Zim:  Not it I hurl your festering carcass in first!

KidK (dreamily):  I remember last time we were here and you could see all the fish in the water…and that cute little turtle, remember that Mike?

Mike-the-Brother:  So that's the sequence for the mega punch, eh—oh yeah sis real cute.  And what do you do for the mega kick?

Gaz:  B, B, A.  But you hafta hit it fast or you won't execute the move in time.

KidK:  *sigh*

Gir:  Fishies!  Where are the fishies, Missy?

Squee:  Yeah, where _do_ the fish go when the water freezes over?

KidK:  They stay under the ice, I think.  Fish don't need air, they just filter the oxygen from the water, so they can live that way.

Gir:  I wanna visit the fishies!  (he takes off for the lake)  Here I come, mah scaly-homies!

Dib:  Hey, Zim!  Your stupid robot is going to take a swim—why don't you join him!

Zim:  Gir!  Do not touch the frozen water!  You'll fall through and get wet and then come over and get _me_ wet.

Gir (halting in his crazy dash):  Yes, my master!  (he is distracted)  Look!  A mountain!

After passing the lake, the trail becomes much steeper, rising at a sharp incline that actually makes it worthwhile to be careful not to step on ice.  However, the path has been traveled so often by the owners' van that there are two deep, muddy ruts in the ground—guaranteed to soil your boots but nonetheless safer to walk on than the higher strip of rocks and gravel between them.  This is the part that KidK's Mom and Dad dread.

KidK's Mom (calling out from far behind):  You kids be careful on that hill!

Mike-the-Brother (yelling back):  We will, Mom!  Sheesh!  It's like you don't _trust_ us or something!  (at normal volume)  Let's walk on the middle bit!  Live dangerously!

KidK:  I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mike.

Mike-the-Brother:  But you're _not_ me.  (he steps onto the rocky middle-ground and continues up the hill)

KidK:  Stubborn…

Zim:  Stay off my side of the road, Dib-monkey!

Dib:  With pleasure, Zim!  You stay on the left, and I'll stay on the right.  I'd hate for my feet to touch the same ground a pathetic Invader like _you_ stepped on.

KidK:  Good, now I don't need to separate you myself.  (she looks around)  Where's 'Nny-kun?  

She spots her friend several yards behind and picks her way through the mud back to him, taking up a place at his side.  Johnny's gaze is fixed on the snow-covered forest beyond the path, and he doesn't even seem to notice her presence.

KidK (thinking):  _Wow, he looks so serious…those **eyes**…why are you sad, 'Nny-kun?_  What are you thinking about? 

'Nny:  Hm?  Oh, hello.  I was just trying to figure out how long I'd last if I just walked out into the trees and never came back.

KidK:  _Uh oh…better pull him out of this and **fast**._  Well, _me_—I wouldn't survive for more than a day or so.  I'd probably injure myself within the first five minutes.  _You_, on the other hand, you're strong.  I don't think you'd mind not being able to eat much, and not sleeping certainly wouldn't be an issue.  Still, it's probably best if you _don't_ exile yourself to some desolate wilderness somewhere.

'Nny:  Why?  Why not leave?  When I look around me, all I see is pointlessness.  The pointless arguments of those two moronic kids up there, the pointless games your brother plays with the scary girl, the pointless happiness of Gir…and all the pointless, boring, malicious behavior of the masses.  With all that _pointlessness_ swirling through the world, what's the _point_ in sticking around?  The woods are so beautiful this time of year…trees like dark slashes against the lovely gray sky…cold, white snow…it would just be me and the animals.  Heh, not much difference in _that_ regard, but at least animal minds aren't filled with prejudice and hatefulness.  Think about it!  No grating voices for miles!  Haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to be completely alone?  To be able to think clearly, without the distractions of an ignorant society cutting in on your thoughts and punishing you for the crime of difference.  To be able to look up at the sky and watch the stars amidst pure silence, without the intruding noise of humanity.  Uncluttered, untainted, unfettered!  It would be perfect.  And anyway, who would even notice?  If I dropped off the face of the earth tomorrow, who would miss me?

KidK (quietly):  I would.

'Nny:  You would?  Don't.  You've so many more important things to think of.  I don't say that out of self-pity—not even _I_ pity me, I know I deserve all I get—but out of truth.  You've got your whole bright shiny life waiting for you, and you needn't waste your time on me.  

KidK:  Nothing's more important to me than the ones I love.  And since we're ordering each other not to do things, I'll say this—don't be a martyr, 'Nny.  Don't let yourself die for your lofty ideals of a perfect, unattainable society.  Wouldn't it be just so much more fulfilling to continue to live within the context of this _im_perfect world, to thumb your nose at society, prove your detractors wrong, and survive _despite_ all that goes against you?  Like I said before, you're _strong_.  If you don't let all the flaws of civilization get to you, you can enjoy all that's good about the world.  And there _are_ good things to look forward to.  For me, _you're_ one of those good things.  When I was away at skool every week, I put all the annoying, low-grade evil of the people around me out of my head, knowing that I'd soon be able to see you and everyone else.  And _nothing_ is worse than _college_.  So you see?  It's not worth it to throw your life away because of _them_.  It's so much better to vow to ignore them and have fun anyway.

'Nny:  Maybe, maybe not.  But you've given me something to think about, at least.  You're a very optimistic person, you know that?  Though you see and acknowledge the horror of the world, you look past it and hope for better.  If I had to name all the good things in my life, the list wouldn't be long, but I can promise you that you'd be on it.  What I _can't_ promise you, however, is that I'll ever be able to look at the world the way you do.

KidK:  That's okay.  I love you anyway.  ^_^

'Nny:  O_O ……………

KidK:  Now let's hurry and catch up.  We don't want to be the last ones there!  

And for the second time that day, KidK slips her arm through Johnny's and drags him away, putting an end to any kind of philosophical seriousness and resuming her normally cheerful mood.  You were tired of those long rants anyway, weren't you?  Here, have some comic relief!  Wah!

Mike-the-Brother:  Ha!  We're almost there and I haven't fallen off once!  You have underestimated me!

Gaz:  Don't inflate your head too much, or it'll make you tip over.

Mike-the-Brother:  Never!  I am the _master_ of hiking!

Zim:  Not a chance!  _I_ am the master of all I survey!  Including this revolting hiking path!

Mike-the-Brother:  I'll bet I can get there before you do, Zim!

Dib:  Now _this_ is a bet I think Mike can win.  How could Zim ever win a footrace against _anyone_, on those short legs?

Zim:  I am going to _take_ your bet, Mike.  The price will be that when I win, you will no longer pester me to use my computer.

Mike-the-Brother:  And when _I_ win?

Zim:  Oh, you make me laugh!  Ha, ha, ha.  If _you_ win—which you will _not_—you will be permitted to use the computer for whatever inane Internet searches your heart desires.  But you _won't_ win.

Mike-the-Brother:  Oh no?  I think I _will_, because I'm getting a head start on you!

With that, he takes off running, feet pounding the dirt of the path into submission with long, powerful strides.  One of Mike's strong points is running.  If Zim had known this, perhaps he wouldn't've bet.  What am I _saying_?!

Zim:  Augh, you stinking human!  Cheaters to the core, all of you!  Well, two can play at _that_ game, Mike…

Ahead on the path, Mike is not yet out of breath, but is getting there.  The hill is steeper than he remembered.  So he is of course incredibly shocked when a diminutive figure shoots by him, easily overcoming his lead.

Mike-the-Brother:  Zim!  Nobody…said…you could use…your mech legs!

Zim:  But nobody said I _couldn't_, _either_!  Logical, no?  Heheheh…ahahahahaaaaa!

Zim's evil laughter continues as he gets farther and farther ahead of his adversary.  It probably isn't a good idea for him to be gloating instead of paying attention to the treacherous ground.

Zim:  Wahahaha—huh?  

One of the spider legs slips on an unseen patch of ice, and the Irken slides, spins around, and falls to the ground with a thud.  A few seconds later, Mike jogs by.

Mike-the-Brother (pointing):  Haw haw!

Zim (waving his iron fist):  Do not taunt me with your Simpsons quotes!  I will vanquish you yet!

Mike-the-Brother:  Too late.  You picked a good time to lay down and admit defeat—ten feet from the finish line!  (he slaps the Lakota Wolf sign at the top of the hill)  Ha!  _I wiiiiiin_!

Gaz (making her way up after them):  Well, _that's_ not something that we hear from you often, Mike.

Mike-the-Brother (running over to Gaz):  Didja see me, Gaz?  I totally made him eat my dust!

Dib:  Yeah, how does that dirt taste down there, Zim?

Zim:  Like sweet victory, Dib-buh.

Dib:  What are you talking about.  Mike _clearly_ won the race!

Zim (getting to his feet):  Perhaps…but tell me—did we ever shake hands on our bet?

Mike-the-Brother:  ……………………..

Zim (smugly):  No, I don't believe we did, either.

Mike-the-Brother:  Okay, what numbskull let Zim in on the 'not paying for bets you didn't shake on' thing?

Dib:  Ahahaha…

Mike-the-Brother:  I take your nervous laughter as an acknowledgement of your guilt, Dib.  Why'd you hafta go and tell him that's how it works?  Now we won't be able to con him out of his life savings anymore!

Dib:  Hey, it's not my fault!  I had to use the 'handshake clause' to get out of losing a bet with him in the car!  You would've done the same thing!

Mike-the-Brother:  But _still_!

Zim:  And thus Zim rules over all of you!  (prepare for extreme evil laughter)  Muwahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!

KidK (arriving on the scene):  Hey, what's so funny Zim?  And why do you look so mad, Mike?

Zim (breathless with mirth):  Because…because…I just fooled that creep Mike and beat him at his planet's own trickery in betting!

'Nny (under his breath):  Oy…more gambling…so much for 'good things'…

KidK:  Well, that's all well and good, Zim, but…where are Gir and Todd?

Zim (looking around):  I…don't know?

Dib:  Oh, that's just _great_!   Why couldn't you keep an eye on that messed up bucket of junk of yours?  Now we're gonna hafta go _looking_ for them!

Gaz:  No you won't.  (she points)  Here they come.

As the group looks on, the bushes quite some distance from the path begin to rustle, and then a small boy emerges from within the foliage at top speed, screaming all the while.  He is followed by a gleefully skipping green puppy.

Squee:  Get away!  Everybody hide!

KidK:  Why?  What's wrong, Todd?

Squee:  **_Bears_**!  They're _coming_!  Gir went off the path and I followed him to make sure he was okay and when I found him he was poking a bear with a _stick_!  It started chasing us!  It's probably right behind us now!  _Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek_!

KidK:  Todd, calm down.  I don't see a bear anywhere.

Dib:  It doesn't sound like anything's coming either.  Though it'd be a lot easier to tell if _Gir would shut up_!

Gir (at the top of his lungs):  **_Today's the day the teddy bears have their piiiiiiiicnic!_**  Yeees, Dibby?

Dib:  *harsh sigh*  We're trying to hear if a bear is coming after you.

Gir:  Nahhhhhh, she was asleeping.  I tried to wake her up, but she just kept snorin' away!  Sounded like Master when _he's_ asleeping!

Gaz:  So it never chased you?

Gir:  Noooooo…

All eyes now turn to Squee, who looks nervous.

Squee:  Well…maybe it _didn't_ chase us.  But it looked like it was _going_ to!  And I figured that if I started running Gir would follow me because he _always_ does and that way we could get away before it _did_ wake up and maul us all to shreds!

KidK:  Well, you certainly have a comprehensive understanding of Gir psychology, that's for sure.  Well, if we've no more imaginary bears to worry about, we can go over and see the wolves now.

Dib:  Don't we have to wait for your parents?

KidK:  No…the enclosures are right over there beyond the big sign, and there's barely anybody else here, so it's not like they won't be able to find us once they finally drag their slow butts up—oh, hello dear parents!  ^_^

KidK's Dad:  Hi.  Did you get killed on the way up here?

KidK's Mom:  We were worried when you got out of our sight range.  You really shouldn't've done that.

Mike-the-Brother:  But you two are such sloths!  It takes you six million _years_ to walk that trail!

KidK:  Well, Mike, now you're stealing _my_ schtick.  _I'm_ the one who always says 'six million years.'

Mike-the-Brother (sagely):  Change is good.

KidK:  Aargh!  And now you're quoting Rafiki!  How dare you try to usurp my role as quotemaster!

Mike-the-Brother (gleefully quoting):  Is this bugging you?  Is _this_ bugging you?  Am I freaking you _out_ yet?

KidK:  …grrrrrrrrrrr…

KidK's Mom:  Mike, quit annoying your sister.

KidK:  Yeah, Mike, I've still got that laser, you know.

Mike-the-Brother:  Okay, okay.

_Well, They've Arrived At The Top Of The Big Hill!  Will This Story Ever Get Its Butt In Gear And Talk About The Wolves?  Well…Yes!  Please Read On In The Next Chapter, Which Is Also Named After A Movie!_

Postscript:  'Nny's birthday is July 7, 1977, or, written in shorthand, 7/7/77.  Remember, _I made this up_.  It's not necessarily what the great Jhonen had in mind, and in fact probably _isn't_.  I just thought that it'd be cool.  ^_^


	3. Dances With Wolves

Road Trip…of DOOM

An Invader Zim Fanfiction by KidKourage

_Part 3—Dances With Wolves_

          Well, it's finally happened—I've written a story that's gotten absolutely, completely out of hand.  This thing is a monster, no?  It's gone through so many changes since the beginning that what was supposed to be a three-chapter story will almost definitely become four…and all thanks to the fact that once I start writing a conversation I just let it take its course no matter how many twists and pointless sidebars that course might have.  So, for those of you who've been waiting all this time for me to get around to writing about wolves, you're in for a treat—twenty-seven pages worth of wolfy wolf fun!  Yaaaaaaaay!  Let said fun begin!

The scene is the Lakota Wolf Preserve!  Our heroes have bravely braved the rocky, muddy trail to the top of the hill, and are now about to meet the inhabitants of this beautiful place.

Zim:  Now that we have arrived, what is it that we're supposed to be doing now?  I don't want to just stand here looking at the ugly Dib-monkey until 10:30.

KidK:  Oh, no!  Don't look at Dib!  Come over here and look at Silver and Kazan and Jasmine and Sasha and Kimba and Shania and Princess Jo-jo!

Dib:  You know their _names_?!

KidK:  They're my friends!  Well…not _really_.  But I've always loved wolves and so I love _this_ place, and so I guess I just learned their names.

Gir:  Princess Jo-jo?  A princess wolfie?  Is she a faaaaairy princess?

KidK:  Well, last time I checked she wasn't, but we should go make sure.  Let's go!  Mom, can I have my camera?

KidK's Mom:  Be careful with it…(she produces the camera and hands it over)  These disposable cameras cost more than you'd think.

Mike-the-Brother:  Heyyyy, don't _I_ get one?

KidK's Mom:  I wanted one for myself, but…here you go.

KidK's Dad:  Don't give that ungrateful kid your camera!  It's yours!  You're such a pushover to those two.

KidK's Mom:  So, honey, where are you going to go to buy that Super Super Slash 3 for Michael?

KidK's Dad:  Well, I was thinking the GameStop in Moorestown, but if I can get it at…hey!  I know what you're trying to insinuate here!

Meanwhile, while KidK's Dad argues his merit as a parent (which is great ^.^), the 'gang' goes over to see the wolves.  At Lakota Wolf, there are three huge enclosures for three packs to live, as well as a smaller one that only has one pair living in it.  These are all surrounded by two sets of fence—one set that separates each pack from the others, and one set that goes around the entire preserve.  For the WolfWatch, you get to go inside the outer fence to a clearing in the center of all four habitats.  However, before that starts there's nothing to stop you from watching the Tundra Pack from outside.  Now, you might think that this is another one of those places that promises that you'll see animals, but then when you get there the animals are hidden amidst a vale of green so you question that there is even anything living inside.  Well, it's not.  The wolves have plenty of greenery to keep them happy and fulfilled, but since they were raised by humans they are very social animals.  When people come up to the fence, they _bask_ in the attention.  They're curious to see visitors, and will follow a crowd from one end of the fence to the other, seeming to 'pose' for photographs—they know they're beautiful.  I could gush about this for hours, but that wouldn't be fanfiction, would it?  So I'll let KidK do the talking for me.

KidK (starry-eyed):  Wowwwww…look how pretty they are with their winter coats!

Gir:  Fluffy wolfies!  They're all snuggly warm!

Mike-the-Brother:  Yeah, when we came in the summer they were all gangly and stuff.

Gaz:  Like you?  Heh.

Squee:  Gosh…I thought wolves were scary, but they're cool-looking.

Dib:  There's seven in this enclosure?

KidK:  Yeah.  This is the Tundra Pack.  The Timber Pack is bigger, but these are the most beautiful…not that they're not _all_ beautiful, because they _are_.  So, what do you think of the evil demon wolves _now_, Zim?

Zim:  Hmmm…they seem docile enough.  And as your sub-par human animal species go, they're not _so_ ugly.

Jasmine:  *bark!*

'Nny:  It would seem that she doesn't agree with your assessment.

Jasmine, a smallish tan Tundra with black back and face markings, turns to regard the tall, thin human with interest.

Jasmine:  *whine*

KidK:  Hey, 'Nny-kun, she likes you!  If I remember correctly, Jasmine is the smallest of the pack and is something of a trickster.  But sweet.  And that big tan guy over there is Kazan, the alpha male.

Mike-the-Brother (pointing):  I thought Kimba was the alpha.

KidK:  Not officially yet.  He's being trained up by his daddy to take over the family business.  ^_^

Kimba, a male with gorgeous black-tipped ears, saunters regally over to Jasmine and gives her a nose touch.

Kimba:  *whine*  

Jasmine:  *whine*  

Kimba:  *_bark_!*

With that, Jasmine gets up out of her place and starts walking to the other end of the fence.  About halfway down, she turns and gazes soulfully at Johnny, then continues on her way.

Dib:  What was _that_ all about?

'Nny:  I think she's the omega.  The bottom of the heap.  He wanted her spot on the rock, so she had to go.

Zim:  How can you know _that_, 'Nny-human?

'Nny:  It's pretty obvious if you pay attention to context.  

Zim (haughtily):  _I_ have a universal _translator_, you know.  I can fix it so we can all know _exactly_ what the hair monsters are saying.

He produces the translator and begins fiddling with it.  Johnny simply shrugs and wanders over to Jasmine's new resting spot.  Meanwhile…

KidK:  Look look!  'Tis Silver!

Gaz:  That's the one you sponsor, right?

KidK:  Yup!

Gaz:  Cool.  (she goes back to her game)

Dib:  How are you telling them all apart?  They look mostly the same to me, except for the alpha…Kazan was it?  He's got a lot less black in him, but the others…identical.

KidK:  Not if you look close.  See, Silver looks a lot like Jasmine, but she's bigger, and while Jasmine has a playful, flirty look to her face, Silver looks more regal and reserved.  Princess Jo-jo has a darker tan cast to her features, Sasha has less dark markings around her eyes, and Shania has the whitest feet of anyone.  And Kimba's got those awesome black ears.

Dib (totally confused):  Oh.

KidK:  Don't worry about it.  Not everybody's a total wolf freak like me.

Mike-the-Brother:  _No one's_ a total wolf freak like you.

Dib:  Probably the people who own this place are.

Silver (approaching the sleeping Jo-jo):  *growl*  (she lays a paw on the other wolf and then springs back, inviting a chase)  *bark!*

Princess Jo-jo:  *yelp!* (she follows)

Zim (brandishing the translator):  OK, I've got it working now.  Be amazed at Irken craftsmanship!  (convinced he has gained attention, he begins to 'amaze')  The big one said 'Hey Miss Layabout, let's do something to entertain the audience.  Come on and chase me!' and the other one said 'Don't you _ever_ put your foot on me!  I'll get you for this!'

KidK:  Hey, Jo-jo sounds like _you_, Zim!  Soul mates, I'd say.

Squee:  Look at them run!  And…hey, they're not making any noise!  Shouldn't you be able to hear their feet?  (note: this is very cool ^_^)

Mike-the-Brother (sneaking up behind Squee):  All the better to creep up and eat you!  Muhahahahaaaaa!

Squee:  Yieee!

Gaz:  Mike, has the high altitude affected your _brain_ somehow?  You're acting really weird today!

Mike-the-Brother:  I dunno.  Maybe.  (holding up his camera with a wild gleam in his eyes)  I'm gonna take the first picture!  (Mike _does_ act weird at Lakota…it's inexplicable)

KidK:  Nuh uh!  _I'm_ gonna do it!

Kazan:  *bark!  bark!*  

At their leader's call, the others return to the fence to check out the humans looking at them with those funny clicking machines.  All except Jasmine, that is.  Down at the other end of the enclosure…

'Nny:  They pick on you, huh?

Jasmine:  *whine*

'Nny:  I'm sorry.  It's probably because you're smaller…different.  Just the way the world works, unfortunately.  They treat me like that, too.

Jasmine (cocking her head):  *whine?*

'Nny:  Missy's got some notion that if we don't let it intrude on our lives, we can still be happy.  Why don't you make believe she's right?  At least you've got good looks going for you.  Why not just run around and do whatever you want without regard for that other guy says to you?

Jasmine (looking over at Kimba):  *bark!*

'Nny (shaking his head ironically):  Don't I know it.

Gaz (wandering over):  Looks like _you've_ found a friend, at least.

'Nny:  We have some things in common.  (he turns to Gaz)  How come you're not over there with the others?

Gaz (shrugging):  Even _Mike_ is getting on my nerves today.  He just won't shut _up_!  God, if I have to hear him say one more quote I'm going to—_rrrrrr_!  (she gestures like she's strangling an imaginary Mike)

'Nny:  Me too.  Only mine's more like this.  (the imaginary Mike gets stabbed)

Gaz:  Heh.  Good one.

Mike-the-Brother (jogging over):  Hey Gaz how come you came over here?  Johnny, can I take a picture of your wolf so's I'll have one and KidK won't?

'Nny and Gaz (scary!):  ¬_¬ …………………..

Mike-the-Brother:  Whoa!  Okay, I get the picture!  Or rather I _don't_!  (he goes back over to where KidK is snapping pictures and whines)  KidK, Johnny and Gaz are being mean to me…

KidK:  Maybe that's because you're being a pest.  (she goes back to what she's doing)  Ooooo, that one's gonna be nice!

KidK's Mom:  Don't waste all the pictures now, honey—you want to have some left for the other packs once we get inside the fence.

KidK's Dad:  Cameras don't grow on trees!

Gir:  A camera tree!  Clicky click!  Missy, can I take a picture?

KidK (warily):  Okay, Gir, but make it a picture of a wolf and not your hand, all right?

Gir:  Okeedokee!  I'm gonna take a picture of Master Jo-jo Wolf!

Princess Jo-jo:  *yip!  bark!*

Zim (reciting):  'Do not point that thing at me, two-legger!'  Hmmmm…this Jo-jo beast has quite an antagonistic attitude.

Princess Jo-jo:  *growl*

Zim:  'How dare you, short green thing.'  Grrrrr, how dare _you_, garbage dog!

Princess Jo-jo:  *growwwwwwwl*

Zim:  Geh!  You wouldn't be so disrespectful if there weren't two fences between us!

Dib:  No, she'd probably tear your throat out instead.

KidK:  Hey, now, you _know_ there's never been a recorded attack by a wolf on a man before! (if I had a nickel for every time I've had to say this…)

Dib:  Heh.  Zim's hardly a _man_, KidK.

Zim:  And _you_ _are_, Dib-buh?  (shaking his head) Poor big-headed _boy_…

Dib:  At least _I'll_ eventually get _taller_!  You little shrimp!  (he turns to the wolf behind the fence)  Go Jo-jo!  You know what he is, don't you?  You can probably smell the alien-ness on him!

Princess Jo-jo (turning her head away sharply):  *sniff*

Dib:  What'd she say?  Gimme that!  (he snatches the translator)  '_All_ you two-leggers smell bad.'  Hey!

Gir:  Pretty pretty Princess!  I'm takin' a piccie of yoooooou!

Princess Jo-jo:  *growl*

Sasha (coming over and prodding Jo-jo with her paw):  *whine*

Dib:  'Don't talk to the visitors like that.  They pay our bills.'  How can they _know_ things like that?

Squee:  They must be _really_ smart to understand human speech.

'Nny (rejoining the group):  Why?  Just another form of grunting and whining, really.  It's sad that we think ourselves more (air quotes) 'advanced' than these animals, especially since _we_ can't understand _them_.

Gir (looking up from his camera):  Mister Purple-man says _I'm_ advanced!  He's so niiiiiiice.

Zim:  Yes, speak for yourself 'Nny-monster.  _My_ species is so advanced that we have developed technology to do the understanding _for_ us!  (he grabs back the translator from Dib)  Don't put your dirty fingers on that!

Gaz (poking Mike, who is busy with his own camera):  Hey.

Mike-the-Brother (looking down at her):  Hey.

Gaz:  Sorry.

Mike-the-Brother:  Whatever.

Gaz:  Game?

Mike-the-Brother:  Sure.

He pockets the camera and the two link GameBoys as if nothing has happened.  Two game freaks can't stay within a mile of each other without battling, after all.  ^_^

Dib:  Isn't it 10:30 _yet_?

Zim:  Yes, the sooner this…_thing_ begins, the sooner we can leave and I can be away from the evil Jo-jo beast.

Princess Jo-jo:  *yip!*

Zim (looking down at the translator and then back up in horror):  O_O

Gir:  What's she sayin'?  Lemme seeeeeee!  (he takes the translator from the upset Zim)  Hmmmm…jinkies!  Princess loves you, Master!

KidK's Dad:  Well, my watch has 10:30.  What's keeping them so long?

Random Male Visitor:  Oh, didn't you hear?  They've got a Girl Scout Troup here today.  

His Wife:  The little girls are probably having trouble on the hike is all.

Mike-the-Brother:  Aw, _Girl Scouts_?  Why didn't they just take the van like everybody else who's too weak to hike?

KidK's Mom:  That's not nice, Mike.  They probably couldn't all fit in the van!  Little Girl Scouts are cute!  Remember your sister was one once.

KidK:  Someone say something else _quick_, before I'm overcome by a wave of horrible _nightmare_ visions involving brown jumpers.

Dib:  You were a _Girl_ Scout, KidK?

KidK:  *sigh*  That was _not_ the right thing to say, Dib.

Squee:  Whenever the Girl Scouts come to my house to sell cookies, my Daddy buys those icky Lemon Pastry Cremes and then yells at me about how I don't earn any money and I'm no good to anybody.

Gaz:  I was a Girl Scout for about a day when Dad suddenly insisted that I make some friends my own age…

KidK:  Oh?  What happened?

Gaz (darkly):  I made some _enemies_ my own age.

Suddenly, all the wolves perk up their ears.  Those who were sitting or lying down stand up straight.  They walk over to the end of the fence closest to the big sign and the end of the mountain trail.  Even little Jasmine bounds over, wagging her tail happily.  

KidK:  Wow, I'm always amazed by their powers of hearing and smell.  They always know when the tour guide is almost here.

Jasmine:  *whine!* 

'Nny:  Right, right.  Your friend is coming.  Won't that be nice?

Zim (disdainfully):  Do not pretend to know what the fuzz-dog is saying.  _I'm_ the one with the _translator_.

'Nny (raising an eyebrow):  Well, what does she say, then, oh mighty one?

Zim (reading):  'Listen—our friend is coming.'  (enraged)  _Treacherous_ _cur_!

KidK:  Calm down, Zim.  You'll scare the Girl Scouts.

Mike-the-Brother:  I thought Girl Scouts were supposed to be brave and stuff.  No one with half a brain would be afraid of _Zim_.

At that moment, our heroes hear one of the most disturbing sounds a human being (or wolf, for that matter) can hear—the cry of the Brownie Girl Scout who has just caught sight of a fuzzy wuzzy aminal.

Girl Scouts (emerging from the forest):  Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  (they stampede over to the fence, crowding out KidK and Co.)

Brownie Karyn:  Ooo, they're so cute!

Brownie Skye:  I wanna give him a hug!

Brownie Layla (people today like names with 'y's):  Look at his purdy furry tail!

All Girl Scouts:  *inane chatter*

KidK:  I must be cursed.

Gir:  Aw, the cute girly girls are happy!

Zim:  Madness!  Get away from me, dirt females!

Brownie Taylor (y! ^_^):  Lookie!  A cute green doggie!

Gir:  Lookie!  A cute pink girly!

KidK:  _Oh_ no.  You are _not_ fraternizing with these people, Gir.  (she picks Gir up and holds him Misty/Togepi style)  You'll be able to see better this way anyway.

KidK's Dad:  So much for getting here early.  These brats are just taking our spots at the fence!

Troop Leader Marla (not in Generation 'y'):  Hey, Mister, where do you get off talking about our kids like that?  We've got just as much right to be here as you!

'Nny:  He wasn't saying that you don't, ma'am.  He was merely expressing disgust at the incredibly rude behavior of your charges, who are acting as though _they_ have more right to be here than anyone.  With all undue respect, you should probably evaluate your own actions before you berate others.

Troop Leader Marla:  Why should I do what _you_ say, you _man_?

'Nny (narrowing his eyes and grinning wickedly):  Because I'd hate to be a bad example for the children…

Troop Leader Gwen:  Don't let him oppress you with his _man_-ness, Marla!  Remember, Girl Scout Leaders are as strong and proud as any thickheaded male…and we've got a whole army of little girls to do our bidding!  Muhahahahaaaaaa!

'Nny:  O_ That laugh is really quite irksome, you know.

Troop Leader Barbara:  You've insulted an official Troop Leader for the last time, Mister!  (at the top of her lungs)  _Brownies_!  _Attack Formation_!  **_Swarm_**!

Everyone in a Five-Mile Radius:  …………………. (obligatory cricket chirps in the background)

Brownie Krystal (breaking the silence):  Ooo, look!  He's giving him a kiss! 

All Girl Scouts:  Awwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Dib (raising his hand):  OK, who else felt that that was…disturbing?

Squee:  Me.

Squee, whose nerves have never been too good to begin with, nearly jumps out of his skin when he feels the tap of fingers on his shoulder.  He whirls around to see, standing behind him, a cute little girl with an orangey-red ponytail, bright blue eyes, and freckles.

Brownie Danyelle (OK, the 'y's are outta hand):  Hello.  What's your name?

Squee (very surprised by this attention):  Me?  'm Todd.

Brownie Danyelle:  I'm Danyelle!  Is this your first time here?

Squee:  Yup.

Brownie Danyelle:  Me too!  Hey, wanna stand together by the fence?

Squee:  Ummmm…sure!

Brownie Danyelle:  Neato!  Let's go!  (she grabs Squee's hand and they disappear into the crowd)

KidK's Mom:  Oh, that's so sweet.  Little Todd found a little Brownie friend.

Gir:  I want a little Brownie friend!  They're all so wiggly jiggly giggly _good_!

KidK:  Shh shh, Gir!  Look, the tour's gonna start.

Tour Guide Dan (fiddling with the gate lock):  Well, everyone, who's ready to meet our wolves?

All Girl Scouts:  Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

KidK:  I am!  (yes, I do get excited like a Girl Scout)

Tour Guide Dan:  It's certainly nice to hear so many enthusiastic voices!  (he gets the gate open)  Let's go in, then.

The elderly man leads the way through the gate in the outer fence into a clearing surrounded by the four inner wolf habitats.  To the right are the Tundras and Arctics, and to the left are the Timbers and one separate pair, Midnight and Misty.  The Brownies quickly fill up much of the space near the short wooden railing, which is situated about three feet from the fences to keep children from putting their fingers inside.  Dan, on the other hand, stands within inches of the fence, greeting his furry 'children.'

Tour Guide Dan:  Why hello, Silver!  Hey, Kimba, you keeping everyone in line so your old dad can rest?  Jasmine, you're looking cute as always.

Jasmine (happily):  *bark bark!*

Tour Guide Dan:  Well, it sounds like you're ready to start, eh girl?  (slyly) Or do you all just want my treats?  (he pulls out a bag of doggy snacks and tosses a handful of them over the fence)  Yup!  That's what you wanted, all right!  ^_^

Brownie Danyelle (leaning over the railing):  Aw, isn't that cute Todd?  He feeds 'em like puppies!

Squee (crowded in with her):  Yeah!  They're cool!

Meanwhile, back in the back of the crowd…

KidK's Dad:  It's so weird that they eat dog treats like that.

'Nny:  They're not as wild as they should be.

KidK:  Yes, it's really a shame that they can't live totally free…but at least they're living _period_.  If they weren't protected like this, they probably would've been shot (air quotes) 'accidentally' _years_ ago.

Dib:  Really?  I knew there were stereotypes, but…

KidK:  People are stupid.  They see a wolf, and all their childhood memories of 'Little Red Riding Hood' come back to them.  So they shoot them.  Technically it's illegal, but most people can get away with it if they say that the wolf was menacing a pet or cattle or something.

Zim:  Hmf.  The Jo-jo beast deserves to be _vaporized_.

Dib:  That's just because you're afraid of her.

Zim:  I do not fear that dog-monster!  She insulted a high-ranking Irken soldier!

Dib:  Really?  I don't remember any more of your bloodthirsty kind landing here recently.  And if they had, I of course would've known about it.

Zim:  I mean m—you know very _well_ of whom I am speaking, evil _Dib_, and I am not going to give you the satisfaction of retaliation this time.

KidK:  Good, good.  Cuz the talk's about to start.

Gir (screeching):  Look, Missy, it's Santa Clawz!  Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Santa!

Tour Guide Dan (laughing—he does look like Santa):  Hahaha…no, son, I'm not Santa Claus, though I'm always spoiling these guys with presents!

All Adults:  *polite laughter*

Tour Guide Dan:  Well, now, if everyone's here, we can get started.  Welcome to the Lakota Wolf Preserve, home to twenty-six wolves—seven Tundras, seven Arctics, and twelve Timbers.  Now, you're probably wondering how we came to be in possession of such a great group of animals.  Well, it all started with the namesake of our Preserve, the lovely Lakota over here.  See her there, in the Timber area?  She's the one with the ragged ear.

The crowd, which had been focused on the other side of the preserve, on the Tundra and Arctic habitats, now finds itself backwards.

KidK:  Yay!  I'm in the front after all!  Yo, Timber friends!

Mike-the-Brother:  I'm taking more pictures than you!  (he clicks wildly)

KidK:  No fair!  I've gotta hold Gir!

Gir:  I can take da piccies, Missy!

KidK's Mom:  You'd better not let him, Missy.  We don't want a whole roll of pictures of Gir's hand again.

KidK:  Right.  I'll just put Gir down for now.  (she plunks her friend down)

Gir:  Aw, man!  (he realizes that he is now free) Wait…_yay_!

Tour Guide Dan:  Since we've got our attention on Lakota, we may as well meet the rest of her pack—there's Cheyenne on the log over there, and Oshicca right by the fence, and the three youngest, Amaroq (Maniacal Dragon's favorite!  Isn't it weird that both of our favs have wolves named after them at Lakota?), Apache, and Raven over here, and…

Dib:  He can tell them apart too!

KidK:  Well, realmente, I don't know any of the Timber pack on sight except for Oden, who's mostly all tan like Kazan, Lakota because of her ear, and her sister Willow because she's almost black.  With the others, I'm just as in the dark as you are.

Tour Guide Dan:  …and that's the reason why we have so many more Timbers than any other kind.  (he indicates the smallest of the four enclosures)  Now, can anyone tell me what's special about old Midnight over there?

Brownie Krystal:  He's black!

Brownie Layla:  And he's got yellow eyes!

Brownie Danyelle (now at the back of the group):  Wish I could see…

Squee:  Come on, Danyelle, my friends are up in the front.  They'll let us cut in for sure!  (he takes her hand and pulls her over to the front)  Hey, guys, is there any room by the fence for Danyelle an' me?

KidK (scooting over):  Sure!  You're short anyway, so you can stand in front of me.

Dib:  Just make sure you don't stand in front of Zim!

Zim:  Or the little Dib-monkey, for that matter!

Gaz:  Would you two idiots just shut up?  I'm trying to hear!

KidK:  Yeah, this is really interesting huh, Gaz?

Gaz:  Of course!  The soundtrack to Crazy Killer 7 is the best in the entire Crazy Killer series!

Mike-the-Brother:  You've got Crazy Killer _7_?!

KidK: *sigh*

Tour Guide Dan:  …and because Misty has never produced any pups, she and her mate Midnight are the only wolves her who haven't been fixed.

Gir (waving his arms wildly):  Ooo!  Ooo!  Santa!  Pick meeeee!

Tour Guide Dan:  Yes, little…(he realizes who, er, _what_ is talking to him)…thing?

Gir:  Ummmmm…were all the other wolfies brokened?

Tour Guide Dan:  Hmm?

Gir:  Cuz you said you hadda fix 'em!

Tour Guide Dan (a little nervous):  No, they weren't broken…we just made it so they couldn't have puppies anymore.

Brownie Skye:  How come?

Tour Guide Dan:  Because we only have a permit to keep twenty-six wolves on this land, and so we couldn't keep any new pups who were born.  We'd have to give them to zoos, and they wouldn't be as happy there.  It's sad, because we loved raising these guys up from puppies and would love even more for them to become parents, but the government won't let us have more than twenty-six.

KidK (whispering):  Who wants to help me start a petition to the government?

'Nny:  I'll sign it, definitely.  Poor little Jasmine can't ever be a Mommy…

Squee:  I'd sign it too!

Brownie Danyelle:  Me too, Todd!  We learned in Scouts that everyone can make a difference if we work together and try our best.

KidK's Mom:  Awwwww!  Why can't you be a cute little Girl Scout anymore, Missy?

KidK:  I don't think I _ever_ talked like that, Mom.

Dib:  I'll bet I could get Dad and a bunch of people at his lab to sign the petition.

Gaz:  You could _not_, Dib.  You _know_ the guards don't have a clue who you are.  _I_ could get the signatures, though.

Zim (folding his arms):  I'm not signing anything that might result in the creation of more…_things_…like that awful so-called _Princess_.

Just then, the group hears something quite unexpected.  Wait…I guess it couldn't've been _that_ unexpected, since it involves Gir.

Brownie Skye (in the back of the crowd):  Look, everyone!  The cute green doggy from before is in with the Tundra wolves!

Gir:  Hey Princess Master Jo-jo!  I wanna pet youuuuuuu!  

Princess Jo-jo (warningly):  *growwwwwl*  

She gets up to walk away, and Gir, oblivious, follows.  The other wolves, a bit upset that their space has been entered by something that they don't recognize, come over to sniff Gir.

Kimba:  *sniff*  *whine?*

Kazan:  *bark!*

Shania:  *yip?*

Silver:  *whine*

Dib:  What'd they say, Zim?  Come on, the fate of your little robot pal may rest in the balance!

Gaz:  You and your fate.

Zim:  Wait…right.  The one with the ear tips said 'Excuse me, but are you human?' and the big one said, 'Son, no way that thing is human!' and then the one with the foot-socks said 'Is it food?' and the one KidK likes so much said 'It looks hard to me.'

Troop Leader Marla:  Oh my God!  That little thing is gonna get eaten!

Tour Guide Dan:  Now, ma'am, don't believe in what the prejudices tell you.  

Tour Guide Dan and KidK:  There's never been a recorded attack by a wolf on a man before.

Tour Guide Dan:  O_O  Is there an echo over here?

KidK:  No, I just know that fact by heart, sir.  But what can we do to get my friend out of there?

Tour Guide Dan:  Well, I can go in there with the pack because they know me, but that little…thing of yours looks…dangerous.

Zim (pointing at Dan):  That's right!  It is very dangerous and you shouldn't touch it and try to find out about its true identity!  _Beware_!

Squee:  Yeah, that thing is creepy!

Brownie Danyelle:  Aw, I think it's cute.

Squee:  It always tries to eat my head!

Brownie Danyelle:  Really?  (she hides behind Squee)  You'll protect me, right Todd?

Squee:  *ulp!*  Sure…

KidK:  Nobody need protection from Gir.  He's not malicious.  Just lemme talk to him.  (she pushes through the crowd to the other side of the clearing)  Gir!

Gir (running wildly after Jo-jo):  I'm gonna pet Princess!  (he sees Silver and chases her next)  And Silver-lady!  (he notices KidK)  Yeeeeess, Missy?

KidK:  Come on, Gir, you're freaking the wolves out.  

Gir:  I am?

KidK:  Just look.

Gir looks around, only to see that his furry friends are warily keeping their distance from this two-legged, screaming mystery organism.  They look ready to bolt if Gir shows any more sign of giving chase.

Gir:  They don't like me?

KidK:  They're just naturally shy animals.  They don't like new people.

Tour Guide Dan:  That's right.  Remember, kids, wolves are more scared of you than you are of them, so if you ever see one you should leave him alone and he'll probably run away.

Gir:  Okay, I'm comin' out.  (he tries to start his jet boosters)  Rrrr!  _Rrrrrrrrr_!  **_Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr_**!  I can't.

KidK:  Let me guess—you had to make room for the tuna?

Gir:  Noooooo…it's Jellooooo.

KidK:  *sigh*  Well, _now_ how are we gonna get him out?

Zim (super dramatically):  Fear not!  I will save Gir from the evil Jo-jo and her cronies!  (he points and yells as if in fear)  Hey, worm babies!  Look over there!

Girl Scouts and Troop Leaders (whirling around):  *gasp!*

Zim makes use of his homemade diversion to rise up on his spider legs and leap over the fence.  Once on the other side, he sprints over to Gir, who has resumed his pursuit of the wolves despite KidK's requests.  The pack, upon seeing yet another intruder into their home, appear curious rather than afraid.  Princess Jo-jo in particular seems greatly intrigued that the little green two-legger who had dared to insult her has now dared to enter her sanctuary.  Just as Zim grabs Gir and is about to make a run for it back to the fence…

Princess Jo-jo (blocking the way):  *bark!*

Zim (screeching to a halt):  Move your smelly carcass, Princess Stinkbeast!

Gir:  Aw, Master!  Don't be so mean to the pretty Princess!  She wanna be your friend!  See, she gonna give you a kissy!

Princess Jo-jo (moving closer to the pair):  *growl*

Zim (backing away):  You think you're so special now with your 'other language,' but you wouldn't be growling like that if I had my translator!

Dib (cheering happily from the fence):  Yeah, Jo-jo!  Get 'im!  Bite his head!

Gaz (shoving Dib):  Why should she, when _your_ head is such a much bigger target?  

KidK:  Hey, Zim!  Don't be scared!  She won't hurt you if you don't get all screamy or threatening, and probably won't even hurt you if you do!

Meanwhile, some of the other pack members have decided to take an interest in the new arrival.

Kimba (behind Zim):  *whine?*

Silver (to the left):  *sniff*

Zim (jumping a mile):  Yieee!  Filthy dogs, sneaking up on me!

Gir:  Yaaaaay!  More friends to play with!

Tour Guide Dan:  Listen, son!  I think they like your scent!  Just let them sniff you a bit and then they'll leave you alone.

KidK's Mom:  Just hold still!

Zim:  Never!  I am not some kind of smelly air freshener stink thing!

Kazan (stepping ever closer):  *whine*

Zim (rising on his spider legs):  No!  Get away from me!  Shoo!  (he attempts to wave the pack away)

Brownie Layla (pointing):  Hey, look everyone!  That kid's got some kinda robot legs or something in his backpack!

Dib:  Now you'll all see!  They're alien appendages!  Zim's an alien!

Brownie Skye (looking up disgustedly):  Tch!  As _if_!  There's no such _things_ as _aliens_.  

Dib:  Then how do you explain the mech legs?

Brownie Skye:  Ummmmm…he's a genius scientist?

Mike-the-Brother:  Heh, Zim classified with the same words as Washu…

Meanwhile, the ever-surprising Jo-jo has taken it upon herself to taste the spider legs, seeing them as a chew toy.  Unfortunately, it is at exactly the moment when she clamps her teeth down on one of the legs that Zim decides to bolt.  Held back by the unexpected pressure, he falls on his face in the snow—severing the mechanical limb.  Sparks fly, sending the wolves into a panic.  This chaos is greatly augmented when Zim, whose coating of paste has worn thin, springs to his feet and, with Gir shouting gleefully from atop his head, starts running around like a beheaded chicken.  To escape from the upset wolves, he climbs a tree and sits panting on one of the limbs.

Zim:  It…burns!  Oh…the horror!

Gir:  You made Princess sad, Master!

On the other side of the fence, KidK is not pleased with this turn of events.

KidK:  What _next_?  Mister Dan-person, can you go get my friends out now?

Tour Guide Dan:  Well, I don't think I can climb all the way up there, miss.  (he's old, remember)  They'd have to jump down to me so I could escort them out.

KidK:  But if Zim lands in the snow again he's toast for sure!

Dib (enthusiastically):  Jump, Zim!  You can do it!

Brownie Danyelle:  Why'd he get all hurt when the snow got on him?

Squee:  I think he's allergic to it…he's an alien, you know.

Brownie Danyelle:  Really?

Dib:  Oh, sure, believe _him_.

Mike-the-Brother:  Heh, Dib is outdone by a ten-year-old!

KidK:  Guys!  Let's focus!  We've got to…

KidK's Dad (looking around):  Hey, where'd that kid Johnny go?  Wasn't he here a second ago?

Where has Johnny gone?  I'll bet you can't even _guess_.  Up in the tree…

Zim:  You stay away from me, evil 'Nny-human!  Don't you even _try_ to kill me!

'Nny (pulling himself onto the branch):  You idiot.  Do you really think I've come to hurt you?  Strange as this is undoubtedly going to sound, I'm here to get you out.

Gir:  Woo!  It's Johnny-man to the rescue!  (he gets off Zim's head and latches himself to Johnny's)

'Nny:  Well, at least I don't have to worry about carrying _you_, Gir.

Zim:  Don't bother carrying _me either_, worm monkey!  I don't need your help!

'Nny:  No?  You know if you jump down there, you're just going to get burned.  And what's _that_ going to prove, other than that you're a stubborn fool?

Zim:  _Me_, a _fool_?!  _You_ are the fool, thinking that you can interfere with all your creepy, scary, dangerous…stuff!  I don't know why KidK likes you so much, you lowly dirt beast.

'Nny:  And _I_ really don't know why Missy likes _you_ so much, you pigheaded little alien, but she _does_.  Why _else_ do you think I'd want to help you?  You think _I_ feel any kind of attachment to you?  Really, I wish the old wolf myths were true so I could see you torn to shreds!  But despite all your misplaced arrogance, Missy does love you.  And so here I am.

Zim (folding his arms):  And you can just sit there as long as you want—though I don't think I can take the stench for much longer without expelling the contents of my stomach—because I am _not_ coming with you.

'Nny:  *sigh*  Fine.  You want to do this the hard way?  No problem—I've dealt with flaws three times your size.  

With that, 'Nny grabs Zim and slings him over his shoulder like a knight in shining armor rescuing a damsel in distress.  Completely ignoring the Irken's protests, as well as the shocked cries from the audience, he simply steps off the branch, landing catlike in the snow below.

Gir:  Whee!  I wanna do that again!

Zim:  O_O  No you don't!  Put me down, monster!

'Nny:  Just a sec.  I've got one last thing to do before we bid our friends farewell.

Zim:  Not _my_ friends.  (muttering angrily)  Stinking fur-beasts, ruining my mech legs…put me down or I will destroy you!

'Nny (completely ignoring Zim):  Hey, Missy!  Which one of these guys is Silver?

KidK (still in shock at the sight of 'Nny 'rescuing' Zim):  …the big female with the tan face…

Johnny looks around for the right wolf, then approaches her with all confidence.  The pack maintains a respectful distance from the tall, dark human, regarding him as one professional to another.

'Nny (kneeling before Silver):  Sorry to bother you, miss, but my friend over there brought a gift for you and I'd just like to deliver it.  (he produces the huge Milkbone from a pocket)

KidK (once again surprised):  How did he get…?  

Mike-the-Brother:  Heehee, you must be so used to Johnny putting his hands in your pockets that you didn't even _notice_ this time!  Heheheheheh…

KidK's Mom:  That guy is a little creepy, isn't he?

Squee (very serious):  He has scary stuff in his basement.  You can hear it at night…

Brownie Danyelle:  Oooo, you live by that guy?

Squee:  He's my neighbor.

Brownie Danyelle (starry-eyed):  Wow, you're so lucky!  He's so cooool…

Mike-the-Brother:  The plot thickens as Squee's girlfriend falls for KidK's boyfriend!  What will happen next?  Find out next time on—Strange Love Triangles of the Strange and Creepy!

KidK:  Mike, for the last time, shut up.  (calling to Johnny)  Hey, 'Nny-kun!  Break that thing in half if you can and give half to Jasmine too!

'Nny:  You sure?

KidK:  Yup!  ^_^  She's your friend, right?

Zim:  Just hurry up and get your paws off me so I can be rid of these ugly creatures!

Silver:  *growl*

'Nny:  Please, ignore him.. You are, of course, beautiful.  (he breaks the Milkbone and offers half to the wolf)  This is from Missy, that girl over there, see?  (he points, and Silver turns to regard KidK)  You don't know her, but she likes you a great deal.

Silver (cocking her head):  *whine?*

'Nny:  Yes.  A very nice person indeed.

Silver (taking the bone in her teeth):  *crunch*  (she looks happy)

Gir:  Munchy wolfie cookie!  (he leans down from his perch on 'Nny's head to pat Silver on the head, much to the regal wolf's chagrin)

'Nny (standing up and looking around):  Now, where's Jasmine?

Zim:  Would you hurry _up_?!  This is horrible, being dragged around like a backpack by a pathetic human!

KidK:  Hey, Zim, that's just rude!  Johnny is helping you, so stop being so ungrateful!

Zim:  I'd be more grateful if he'd stop fooling around and get me out of here!  And I'd be _infinitely_ grateful if _you_ wouldn't _betray_ me like that!

'Nny:  She's not _betraying_ you, imbecile.  She just has some idea of what may happen if you continue to try my patience.

Zim:  O_o  Curse you!  You win _this_ time, 'Nny-human, but only because I want to live to doom you later!

Gir:  Doom!  I'm gonna sing the doo—

Zim (rapid-fire):  Girshutupletthemonstercompletehisbusiness (he takes a deep breath and continues) _sohedoesn'tslaughterusboth_!

Gir:  Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

'Nny (spotting Jasmine):  Ah, there you are. (he strides over to stand by the little wolf, Zim and Gir in tow, and proffers the other half of the Milkbone)  Here you go.

Jasmine (a bit apprehensively):  *whine?*

'Nny:  Yes, for you.  Go on and take it.  For once, you can have something your tormentors can't have and can't take from you.

Jasmine:  *bark*

'Nny:  Okay, maybe not tormentors—I'm applying too much of my own terminology to you—but you get the idea.  The last becomes first, eh?  Well, second anyway.

Jasmine (wagging her tail):  *bark!*  (she crunches the bone)

'Nny:  You're welcome.

Jasmine (gazing up adoringly):  *whine*

'Nny:  Be happy, Jasmine, despite what _they_ may do.  It might just be possible to live in Missy's kind of world.  Find out, and tell me next time, okay?

Jasmine:  *bark!*  

The little wolf darts forward and gives Johnny's hand a quick lick, then bounds off to join her pack.  'Nny, in turn, goes to the fence to join his own species once more.

'Nny (indicating Dan):  Sir, could you please open the gate for us now?

Tour Guide Dan (practically speechless):  ………..of course………….  (he does so, and 'Nny exits the wolf enclosure)  I must say, my boy, you are quite a special young man!  Not everyone can communicate so well with these animals!

'Nny (shaking his head):  Not true.  Anyone _could_—few bother to _try_, however.

Zim (exaggeratedly polite):  Perhaps you might set me down now?  _Nonotinthesnow_!

'Nny:  The whole _ground_ is covered in snow.  So what do you propose I do?  You certainly can't stay up there.

Zim:  I wouldn't want to.  

Gir:  _I_ want to!  So high in the sky with tall Mister Johnny-man!

KidK (pushing her way through the crowd):  Guys!  Oh, I'm so glad!  Thank you, 'Nny-kun.

'Nny:  I could hardly stand by and let you lose two of your 'good things.'  But we seem to have another problem.  It would appear that your friend here cannot walk in the snow.

KidK:  Aw, poor Zimmy!  And you broke your mech legs too!  Want me to carry you?

Zim (now exaggeratedly weakly):  Oh, _would_ you?  My poor burned body just can't take any more of the powdery evil…I would appreciate it _ever_ so much…

KidK:  Awwwwwww!  Here, just put your arms around my neck and—

Dib:  Zim is getting a piggyback ride from his girlfriend!  Oh, that's rich!

Dib and Mike:  Wahahahahaaaaaaaaaa!

Zim:  Close your stench holes!  While you lowly sub-beings have to trudge along in the snow, I will be high above you!  (he takes his place on KidK's back, wrapping his arms tight around her neck)  Witness my splendor!

Dib:  Oh, sure, Zim.  _Sure_.

Tour Guide Dan:  Well, who wants to get to the next part of the tour?  I know not much could top the great show we've just had, but we still have what most visitors consider the most fun thing of all—we're going to see if we can't get our canine friends to howl with us!

Girl  Scouts:  Oooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Gir (still atop 'Nny's head):  Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!  Let's sing with the wolfies!  Strike up the beat, Santa!

Tour Guide Dan:  Well, wolves howl to communicate with each other over long distances or just to reinforce bonds within the pack.  So if we start off the howl, they'll want to reply to us.  Now, don't be shy!  Let loose with your best wolf howl!

Gir:  Aaaaaaarooooooooooooooooooooo!  Yippee!  Wooooooooooooooo!

Girl Scouts:  Aroooooooooooooooooooo!

KidK (doing that uncanny howl of hers):  Aaaaarrrroooooooooooooo!  

KidK's Dad:  I'm not doing it.

KidK's Mom:  Oh, come on honey, don't be a spoilsport.

Gaz:  This reminds me of one of the miniquests in Werewolf Journey.

Mike-the-Brother:  Still not gonna do it, though.

Brownie Danyelle:  Wooooooooooooooooooooo!  Come on, Todd!

Squee:  Heehee!  Aroooooooooooooooo!

As the humans howl, the wolves perk their ears up and a few start to whine.  Then Kazan, the leader, points his nose skyward and calls forth a deep, rich note from his throat.  The others follow suit, each adding their unique tones to the song.  The Timber and Arctic packs join in, along with Midnight and Misty, and presently the clearing is surrounded by a symphony of wild music.  The imperfect imitations of the visitors are drowned out, and then stop altogether as everyone listens quietly to the calls of the wolves.  They, even the noisy Brownies and their pushy leaders, are caught up in the haunting magic of the melody, which rises and falls as the wolves pour their emotion into the still air.

KidK (breathlessly):  Beautiful.

Zim:  Yes…(he rests his chin on her shoulder and whispers in her ear) Thank you.

KidK (reaching up to take one of Zim's hands in her own):  You're welcome.  I'm glad I could share this with you.

Zim:  Me too.

There is absolutely no more I can say.  Words really can't describe the feeling you get when you hear a wolf pack sing.  I swear, even if you aren't the emotional type, even if you have never felt anything strongly in your whole lifetime, their voices will break your heart and rebuild it in the same moment.  So let's just take a break now, to let everyone recover from the wonder.  

_Did Everyone Enjoy The Wolfy Wolf Fun?  Heh.  Read On For More, Yet Non-Wolf Fun As The Road Trip Continues!_

Special note for Kat23a: Pterry's _Thief of Time_ is out in the US!  Go read it, if you haven't already! ^_^


	4. The Ice Storm

Road Trip…of DOOM

An Invader Zim Fanfiction by KidKourage

_Part 4—The Ice Storm_

You are all very tired of my movie titles, aren't you?  Almost as tired as Gaz and KidK are of Mike-the-Brother's quoting?  Want to strangle me for the stupid puns?  Well you can't!  Because you are all very far away from where I am!  Wahahahahaaaaaaa!  Geez!  All this not being in skool is getting to me and making me create pointless author notes at the beginnings of chapters!  _You_ are all still _in_ skool, though, probably!  I laugh at your pain!  Wahahahahaaaaaa!  OK, now, this is getting repetitive and slightly nasty, so I will stop before…I will stop now.  ^_^

The scene is, for the third time, the Lakota Wolf Preserve!  About half-hour after the magical time of the wolf-song has passed and the tour is over, the group has made their way back down the trail to their cars.

Gaz:  All I can say is wow.

Mike-the-Brother:  Pretty cool, eh?

Gaz:  'Pretty cool?'  That was the best thing ever!

KidK:  And you _know_ it was good if Gaz is getting worked up about it!  ^_^  It's just a shame that we have to go home now.

Dib:  Zim thinks it's a shame he has to get _off_ of you!  

Zim (waving his iron fist in the air from his perch on KidK's back):  I will have your hide as a _rug_, Dib-monkey!

Dib:  Oh, why don't you just admit it, Zim?  You _like_ being near KidK!

Zim:  So what?  You are just jealous because I am now taller than you!

Dib:  Whatever, Zim.  Whatever.

KidK's Dad:  Well, is everyone ready to go?

KidK's Mom:  I need to fix up my hair in the ladies room.  (she wanders off)

'Nny:  If you don't mind, I need just a minute to do something in the gift shop.

KidK:  You're gonna go sign up to sponsor Jasmine, aren't you?

'Nny:  Yes.  It seems that my list of good things has gotten a little bit longer today.  (he smiles one of his rare genuine smiles)

KidK:  I'm glad.  ^_^

Johnny disappears inside the general store, and the rest of the group waits in the parking lot.

Dib:  You know, Zim, you _can_ get down now.  The parking lot is all stones.

KidK:  Yeah, Zimmy, I love you and all, but you're getting a bit heavy.

Zim:  Fine!  I will be all too glad to disembark!  Shows how much _you_ know, Dib-_buh_!

He drops from KidK's back and stands triumphantly, slamming a fist into one of the pillars holding up the overhang of the store to accentuate his point.  Unfortunately, though the parking lot is not covered in snow, the roof of the shop is, and this jarring causes a huge slab of ice to detach from its place and teeter precariously over the edge—just above the posing Irken's head.  What follows are several crowded seconds that, slowed down, might go something like this:

Mike-the-Brother:  Hey, get out of the way, stupid!

Gir:  Watch out, Master!  Da ice is gonna hit youuuuuuuu!

Zim (cringing in terror):  Yieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

KidK:  _Eat hot laser, ice_!  

She whips her Ultimate Power Blaster 6000 out of her trenchcoat's deep pocket and fires it at the ice block, which explodes into so many atoms, leaving no residual molecules of water to harm Zim in the least.

Everyone:  O_O ………………………..

KidK:  What?

Gaz:  You just…shot that ice brick with that laser…it was just like in…well…every sci-fi battle game I've ever played!

KidK:  I did?  (she looks down at the smoking laser)  Hey!  I _did_!  I saved Zimmy!  Zimmy, I save-ded yooooooou!

Mike-the-Brother:  Uh oh.  The only thing worse than KidK high on Lucky Charms is KidK high on self-esteem.

Zim (stunned by all this):  You…saved me…(he recovers veeeeery quickly)  Wait, no you didn't!  

Gir (running over to tackle his Master):  Yup!  Missy sure did!  She was like (he leaps up, points his puppy paws like a gun, and pretends to fire) bam!  Zap!  To the moon!  Wheeeeeeheeeheee!  It was soooo coooool!

Zim:  But…but I could've taken on that pathetic block of ice myself!  I had no need of human assistance whatsoever!

Dib:  Were you planning to combat the ice by cowering in _fear_, Zim?  Because, you know, that's what you were doing.

Zim:  Silence!  The Irken elite do not require the help of the lowly denizens of the planets they invade!

Mike-the-Brother:  Tell that to my sister.  (he points to KidK, who is currently doing a victory dance in the background)

KidK's Dad:  All I'm saying is…what I think we should do is…well, in my opinion…(he finishes lamely) don't tell your mother.

Mike-the-Brother:  'Kay.  

KidK (really super hyper):  Woooooooooo!  I am the savior of the universe!  A warrior of love and justice fighting against the evil Ice Army!  (she runs over to Dib and shakes him by the shoulders)  Didja see?  Huh?  _Didja_?!  

Dib (unnerved):  Yes!  Yes!  I saw, I saw!

KidK:  That slab of freezy H2O was all like (she jumps away and places her hands on her hips, imitating an evil overlord) 'Oh, lookit meeeeeee!  _I'm_ a big block of _ice_ and I'm takin' you down _with_ me!'  Well, not today, pal!  

Gir:  Heeeeey, that's like what the funny llama-man said in the llama movie!

KidK (out of breath from her dancing):  I gotta…I gotta…I gotta…

Mike-the-Brother:  Quit quoting?

Dib:  Breath into a paper bag?

KidK's Dad:  Drink something before you faint?

Gaz:  Give _me_ your laser cuz it's like the one from Alien Battleship Raiders?

Zim:  Stop going on about how you 'saved' me, since you _didn't_?

Gir:  Eat tacos?

KidK:  I gotta…(she looks up from her panting and points an index finger skyward)…I gotta call Red-sama!

If this was a shoujo anime, everyone in the group would become superdeformed and fall over humorously, their bodies perfectly stiff.  But it's not, so KidK goes about her business of hitting a series of buttons on her wrist communicator.  It would appear that some improvements have been made—Zim's Christmas present to KidK.  Within a few seconds, a hologram projection of the Irken logo is hovering over the screen of the communicator, and there is the sound of a ringing phone. 

Zim:  No, no!  Do not call my Tallest _now_!  We are in a public place and your father-beast is here and (he lowers his voice to an angry mutter)…it's just embarrassing.

Mike-the-Brother (with surprising foresight!):  Hey, Dad, don't you want to hit the bathroom before we get on the road again?  

KidK's Dad:  Oh, hey, yeah!  I forgot that we have a long drive ahead of us!  Can't risk your Mom's wrath by stopping at a filthy rest stop on the way!  (he goes off to find the store's men's room)

Dib:  Wow, Mike did something smart!  Mark your calendars! 

Gaz:  Don't make me destroy you, Dib.  Do you think she'll let me use that laser?

KidK (to the communicator):  Come on, come on, pick up, pick—

She is interrupted by a long *beep* sound, and the hologram changes to a view of the Tallests' quarters aboard the Massive.  KidK is greeted by these happy words of love from her bestest buddy in the whole universe:

Purple (quite distracted):  Yeah, yeah, what is it?  We're kinda busy right now, Zim, so maybe you could call back—never.

KidK:  Hi, Purple-sama!  I'm not Zim, I'm KidK.

Purple:  Oh!  Sorry 'bout that, KidK.  I thought you were Zim.  Is that little nui—oh, hey there, Zim!  Ahahaha…

Zim:  Greetings, my Tallest.  I apologize for the girl's intrusion.  I assure you, she has _nothing_ of importance to tell you, much _less_ any humiliating information about _me_.

Dib:  Oh, yes she does.

Zim (storming over to Dib to renew the perpetual fight):  No she does _not_, Dib-monkey!  

KidK:  _Ac_-tually, I have something that I've absolutely gotta tell Red.

Purple (affronted):  What, you'd rather talk to _that_ laser-brained idiot than _me_?

KidK:  Well, it's just that what I wanna say has to _do_ with lasers, and I know how much you _despise_ them, so…

Purple:  Oh.  Hmf.  I'll go wake him up then.  (he disappears offscreen, and there are sounds of an argument)  Hey, Red!  You dolt, you can't sleep all day like that!  

Red (muffled by several blankets):  Mmmmph?  Whadya want, Purple?  M'tired.

Purple:  Who cares?!  Get your stupid butt out of that bed now!

Red:  Why should I?  Another one of your pointless meetings or another boring battle?  I wanna sleep in today.

Purple (incredulous):  The day's half _over_!

Red:  So?  Nothin' worth gettin' up for, since you had the breakfast cook thrown out the air lock.  Mmmmm, I miss that French toast…

Purple:  If you don't get up _right now_ I'm gonna tell KidK that your brain imploded and that you now think with your rear end, though if that _did_ happen it's not like anyone would _notice_ because you're such an _imbecile_!

Red (suddenly perky):  Missy called me?  Coming!  

There is a sound like someone trying to get out from a tangled mess of sheets, failing, and falling face-first on the floor, then a muted Irken swear word, then the sound of someone being shoved into a wall by someone moving very quickly, and then Red appears on the little projected screen.

Red:  Missy?  You still there?

KidK:  Yo, Red-sama!  'Sup?  (she notices something)  Heeeeeey, what'd I tell you about calling me Missy?

Red:  That I can cuz I'm almighty?  Come on, it's so funny!  Pleeeeeeze?

KidK:  OK, but I can't help but get the feeling you're making fun of me…

Red (all innocent):  Who, _me_?  Make fun of _you_?  No way, Missy!  *snort*  'Missy…' heheh.

KidK:  _Aaaaa_nyway, I called cuz I've got something really cool to tell you!

Red:  You killed Zim?  Way to go!

Zim (turning away from his quarrel with Dib):  What'd he say?

Mike-the-Brother:  He said he loves KidK!  Hurry up and defend your claim on her before it's too late!

Zim (aloof):  Why?  It's not like it matters to me.

Dib:  Yes it does, and you know it does!

Zim (turning back to his nemesis):  No it doesn't!  I don't like KidK at all!

KidK (ignoring all this):  No, silly!  Why'd I do something like that?  In fact, I just saved his life!

Red:  And…why would _that_ be good?

KidK:  Because I used…(she holds up the Ultimate Power Blaster 6000)…_this_!  Ta_daaaaa_!  I am an official laser-wielder!

Red:  Wooooo!  Go Missy!  Lasers rule!

KidK:  Yeeeeeeah!  Just wanted to tell ya thanks, since you were the one to give it to me.

Red:  Hey, no prob.  

Purple (in the background):  You gave KidK an Ultimate Power Blaster 6000?!  

Red (turning from the screen):  Got a problem with that, Smoke Machine Loser?

Purple:  Uh, yeah!  Duh!  Only _we_ are allowed to have those!  And what's _worse_, she used it to save the life of that creep _Zim_!

Red:  S'not like you were even _using_ yours.

Purple:  You gave her _my_ weapon?!  Something of _mine_ was used to save the life of that creep Zim?!

KidK:  Oh, hey, I didn't know it was yours, Purple.  You want it back?

Purple:  After it's been used for so evil a purpose?  No, no, you keep it.  Smoke machines are better anyway.

Red:  Nuh-uh.

Purple:  Yeah-huh.

Red:  Nuh-uh!

Purple:  Yeah-huh!

KidK:  Well, guys, it was nice talking to you and all, but my parents'll be back soon so…

Red:  Wait!  Don't go yet!

Purple (tackling Red from behind):  This'll teach you to say that about my smoke machines!

Red:  Hey!  You jerk, you'll mess up the—*fizzzzzzzzzz…*

KidK:  Huh.  Why do all my conversations with those two end with somebody accidentally terminating the connection?

Gaz:  Because if it's at all possible, they fight as much as _those_ two idiots?  (she indicates Zim and Dib, who are flicking gravel at each other)

Dib:  Take this, alien scum!

Zim:  Die, monkey-beast!

KidK:  Hey, Zim, I didn't save your life so you could use it to kill Dib.

Zim (glaring at KidK):  You didn't save my life at all…ow!  Dib, you pathetic fool!

Dib:  Heheheheh…yow!  That one _hurt_!

Zim:  Wahahahahaaaa!  Right in the head!  It's child's play to hit such a huge target!

Dib:  Rrrrrrrrr!  You'll pay for that, Zim!

Zim:  Bring it on, Dib-buh!

KidK's Mom (appearing out of nowhere—she does that):  Stop that fighting, you two!  

Dib:  O_O………..sorry, Mrs. KidK's Mom.

Zim:  O_O………..yes, we are very much at fault.  Please don't hurt us!

KidK's Mom:  Hurt you?  Why would you think I'd do that?

Mike-the-Brother:  Come on, Mom, you know you have that way of looking at people when you're mad…

KidK's Mom:  I have no idea what you're talking about.  Where's your father?

Mike-the-Brother:  Bathroom.  Oh, wait, here he comes.

KidK's Dad:  I'm back.  Ready to go?

KidK:  We're just waiting for 'Nny…and has anyone seen Todd lately?

Gaz:  He was going to walk down the trail with the Girl Scouts.

Mike-the-Brother:  Eeeew, why?

Gaz (shrugging):  To stay by that girl, I guess.  Maybe he thinks she'll give him free cookies.  Speaking of which, did you bring your copy of Chef Bake Off of Doom?

Mike-the-Brother (producing the desired game from a pocket):  How could I forget it?  This is the one I'm going to beat you at!

Gaz:  With _your_ second-rate strawberry shortcake?  No way!  (they begin a new battle)

Dib:  Come to think of it, where _are_ those Brownies?  They _can't_ be _this_ slow.

KidK:  Oh yes they can.  The troop leaders are probably making them stop every five steps to examine the foliage or dirt so they can earn the (air quotes) 'Indigenous Mushroom Badge' or the 'Foot-Long Nightcrawler Badge.'

Gir:  Nightcrawlers are yummy!

KidK:  I'm gonna assume you mean the gummi candy.  Oh, hey!  Here they are, finally.  (shouting)  ¡Oye!  Todd!

Squee (yelling back):  Hi, Missy! 

KidK:  We've gotta get going!

Squee:  OK!  (he turns to his new friend)  I gotta go, Danyelle.

Brownie Danyelle:  Okay.  But first you've gotta tell me your address and how many boxes of cookies I can bill you for.

Squee:  Um…what?  I don't—

Brownie Danyelle:  Come on!  You've _gotta_ buy some Girl Scout cookies!  Don't tell me you don't like 'em—_everybody_ loves Girl Scout cookies!

Squee:  But…I don't have any money or anything, and my Dad'd be mad if I ordered anything.  So…I'm sorry, but I can't buy any cookies.

Brownie Danyelle (cute face suddenly turning savage):  What do you _mean_ you can't buy any cookies?!  That was the whole _point_!

Squee (confused):  Huh?

Brownie Danyelle:  The cookies aren't selling too well this year, you know?  So Miss Marla and Miss Gwen and Miss Barbara say we've gotta (as if reciting an inner script) 'do whatever it takes even if it means using our feminine wiles on unsuspecting men.'  _That's_ why I was _talking_ to you!  I wanted you to buy my cookies!

Squee (genuinely hurt):  You mean…you don't like me or wanna be my friend or anything?

Brownie Danyelle (scoffing):  Tch!  Right.  As if!  

Squee:  Oh.  That's…okay, I guess.

'Nny (appearing much like KidK's Mom always does—creepy):  No it's not.

Squee:  Eep!

'Nny:  It's very _not_ okay, as a matter of fact.  (he glares at the little jumper-clad girl)  I suggest you think again before you treat my friend like a soulless consumer.

Brownie Danyelle:  But that's what Miss Marla and Miss Barbara and Miss Gwen say _all_ men are!  They say that you all (there's that reciting again) 'think of only one thing, the exploitation of females, and so we should exploit your inferior minds every chance we get.'  

'Nny:  Oh, _really_?  Is _that_ what they say?  Hmmm, interesting…little girl, it seems that you have only committed the error of following the wrong people.  Likely all your little comrades think the same way.  Let me give you some advice. (he goes down on one knee to look her in the eyes)  Don't believe everything you're told.  Prejudice can cause you to miss out on so many things.  (he turns a malevolent stare on the unsuspecting trio of troop leaders)  _Life_, for one.

Brownie Danyelle:  You're scary, mister.  Um…m'sorry, Todd.  I guess I do kinda like you…kinda.

Squee:  S'okay.  It's not like you're the first person to tell me you don't want to be around me.  (he cocks his head, listening to an inner voice)  Yeah, Shmee, we should go find Missy.  _She_ likes us.

'Nny:  Right, Squeegee, go over and get in the car with everybody else.  Tell Missy I'll be right there.  (he stalks purposefully over to the three troop leaders)  Excuse, me, ladies, but I couldn't help noticing…

Squee:  Um…bye, Danyelle.  I hope you find someone to buy your cookies.

Brownie Danyelle (tossing her red ponytail imperiously):  Oh, I will.  Most boys aren't as smart as you are.

Squee:  No…they're not.

Brownie Danyelle:  Bye Todd!  

The little red-haired girl goes over to gossip with her friends Taylor, Kennedy, and Madison, who are all inexplicably named after the last names of presidents, and Squee trudges over to Johnny's car.

KidK:  What happened, Todd?

Mike-the-Brother:  Didja get dumped by your girlfriend?

Squee:  She wasn't my friend.  She made that very clear.

KidK:  Aw, I'm sorry Todd.  I _told_ you guys Girl Scouts were evil.

KidK's Dad:  So, can we go now?  Everybody accounted for yet?

KidK:  Where'd 'Nny get to, anyway?

'Nny:  Right here.  Let's go.

KidK:  Hey, where were you?

'Nny:  Just…doing something.

KidK:  O…kay…(she turns to her family, Gaz, and Gir)  Well, I'll see you guys when we stop for lunch, okie?

Mike-the-Brother:  You will?  Too bad.  

KidK's Dad and Mike (annoying sound):  Wa-wa-_waaaaaaaa_.  (they high-five)

KidK:  Oh, _real_ funny, guys.  Remember, though—I'm packing.  (she gets in Johnny's car and turns away from her male relatives dramatically)

KidK's Mom:  What did she mean by _that_?  Don't tell me she's got a _gun_ or something!  Where'd she get a gun?!

KidK's Dad:  She hasn't got a _gun_, sweetie.  Let's just get in the car, okay?

The group gets into their cars for the next leg of the road trip.  This proves easier than expected, as Zim surprisingly doesn't protest Dib's allotted place in the front seat.  The cars start up and pull out of the parking lot, the Camry again in the lead.  In said Camry…

KidK's Mom:  So what's this I hear about a gun?

KidK's Dad:  I _told_ you—there's no gun!  Really!

KidK's Mom:  Then why did she say she was packing heat?

KidK's Dad:  She didn't say she was packing _heat_, she just said she was packing.  That doesn't mean _anything_…it was a weird thing to say, even for _our_ daughter.

KidK's Mom:  I'm just worried that one of her little friends gave her a gun…that Johnny guy is a little wacky in the head, you know.

Mike-the-Brother:  Johnny doesn't have any guns, Mom…

KidK's Mom:  Oh, well, that's a relief.

Mike-the-Brother:  …he prefers to use sharp objects.

KidK's Mom:  Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!

Gaz:  He's kidding, Mrs. KidK's Mom.  (she elbows Mike sharply)  _Aren't_ you, Mike?

Mike-the-Brother:  _Ow_!  Yeah, yeah, I'm kidding already!  Save the violence for the games, Gaz!

Gir:  Can I play this time?

Gaz:  No.  Get it through your metal head!  You can't play—not _ever_.

Gir (screeching):  _Let me play or I'll bite you_!

Mike-the-Brother:  No you won't.  And you can't play…_yow_!  Gir, cut it out!  Mom, Gir's _biting_ me!

KidK's Mom:  You should've thought of that before you decided to be so stingy with your game.

Mike-the-Brother:  No, really, he's biting me pretty hard!  Ngh…

KidK's Mom:  So?  Let him play, then.

Mike-the-Brother:  Aargh!  Okay!  Here, Gir, take my GameBoy Advance!

Gir (back to 'normal'):  Thankies, Mikey!

Gaz:  Well, at least he should be easy to beat…

Minutes later…

Gir:  I'm sorry, Gazzy!  I didn't mean ta make your man-guy-thing fly away!  I'll be real careful next time!

Gaz:  Rrrrrrrrr…how can this creepy little robot be beating me?

Mike-the-Brother:  Maybe he's more advanced than we thought?

Gir:  Whee!  I push da button!  Again and again and _again_!

Gaz:  Nah.  It's all a fluke.

While Gaz and Mike try to work out the mystery of Gir's power, KidK has a mystery of her own on her hands.

'Nny:  Hey, Missy, you mind if I borrow your cell phone?

KidK:  Um, sure.  (she pulls it out and hands it up to him)  How come?

'Nny:  I need to charter a bus.

KidK:  Oh, okay…what?  What do you need a bus for?

'Nny:  Not me.  The Girl Scouts.

Dib:  Weren't the Girl Scouts being driven by their troop leaders in their unnecessarily huge vans?

KidK:  Yeah.  I hate those things.  Make it impossible to see around them on the road.

'Nny:  Well…maybe they _came_ that way, but they need a bus to go home.  Don't worry, I know the number…one time I had to do this for a Cub Scout troop whose leaders pointed at me and told them not to grow up to look like me.

KidK:  Ohhhhhh…(realization dawns on her)  O_O….ahahaha…

Zim:  Weren't we going somewhere to eat?

KidK (grateful for the change of subject):  Oh, yeah!  We'll probably stop in Flemington cuz it's right along the way.

Dib:  I've never been there.

KidK:  Well, just hope that all Mom and Dad want to do there is eat.

Dib:  Why?

KidK:  Because it's an outlet-slash-craft store town.

Zim:  Not like…_Lancaster_!

KidK:  Oh, _no_, this is _much_ smaller than _that_.  But it's kinda like a scale-model, you know?—the same idea, but in a condensed space.  And without the redeeming factor of Amish bakeries.

Zim:  Ugh.  We must keep your mother from feeling the pull of the shopping places at all costs!  I never want to go through _anything_ like _that_ again.

Dib:  Like what?  

KidK:  Well, remember last summer when us six went to Lancaster for the day?  Zim learned a great deal about where I got my obsessive personality from…

Flash back to sometime in August 2001!  KidK, Zim, Gir, and KidK's Mom are standing in a dimly-lit shop filled with wood carvings of rabbits and crows, various quilts, and, of course, candles of all descriptions.

KidK's Mom:  Oh, look at this one!  Hee, the little mouse has an apron…I need one of these, and I need the goose in the sun hat, and…oh, and one of these rabbits with the carrots!  Aren't they cute?

Zim and KidK:  N—

KidK's Mom (sternly):  I _said_, aren't they _cute_?

Gir:  Yeppers!  I want 'em all!

KidK's Mom:  Me too!

KidK:  *sigh of relief*

Zim:  They're really not all that well-made, you know.

KidK:  *choke!*  Zim!

KidK's Mom:  ……………………_what_ did you say?

Zim (nervously):  Ahahaha…oops?

Flash back to the present!

Zim:  And then she had the audacity to throw me out of the store!  And then the Mike-beast and the father-monster dared to laugh at my setback!

Dib:  I can really picture that.  KidK's Mom is pretty scary sometimes.

Squee:  At least she takes you places and remembers all of your names even though you're not really her kids.

KidK:  That's right.  Mom's the best Mom in the world!  And she makes good cookies!

Squee (darkly):  Better than Girl Scout cookies, that's for sure.

KidK:  Are you sad because of that brat Danyelle?  Don't be.  She's a creep anyway.

Squee:  But she was so nice at first!  People _never_ really want to be my friends.

KidK:  That's not true.  _I'm_ your friend, aren't I?  And so's everybody else.

Dib:  Yeah, at least you're smart enough to acknowledge that Zim's an alien.

Zim (muttering):  Stupid human child, getting snow on me…

'Nny (getting off the phone):  Well, that settles that.  What are we talking about?

KidK:  About how we're all Todd's friends.

'Nny:  Right.  Squee, you don't need to care about what flaws like that girl say.  Someday you'll find someone who truly understands and appreciates you.

KidK:  Wow, that was a really optimistic thing to say, 'Nny-kun!  

'Nny:  Well, I can't tell the poor kid that pretty much everyone is too stupid to relate to those of us with higher abilities of perception and so he'll probably never be fully accepted by society, now can I?

Squee:  *whimper*  

KidK:  I think you just _did_, 'Nny.

'Nny:  Oh, geez!  I'm no good at this kind of thing…um…who wants music?  The 'Tape of Pointless Happiness' is sure to cheer you up.

KidK:  Good idea.  Pop it in.

As usual, the crazily happy music of the tape soon brings everyone out of their bad moods.  Can you really expect anything less from something called 'J&K's Tape of Pointless Happiness?'  Even Zim sings along, if only to prove to Dib that he does indeed have the ability to do so.

Everyone:  We are the cartoon _he_-roes, oh-_oh_, we are the ones who're gonna _last_ for-_e_-ver!

KidK:  For some reason, I always get really nostalgic while listening to this song…

Dib:  Yeah, me too…it's almost as though…

'Nny:  I can almost remember…

Squee:  Singing it with all you guys one time…

Zim:  But we never have.

KidK:  Well, who knows?  Weird stuff like that happens to me all the time, for some reason.  (little does she know…*cackle*)  

Dib:  So, how close is this Flemington place?  And what kind of food do they have?

KidK:  Well, they've got most every fast-food chain you can name, even a--*squeeeee!*

Zim:  What?  What?

KidK (gleefully):  I just remembered!  Flemington has a Pizza Hut!

Dib:  Well, that'll make Gaz happy, at least.

KidK (face falling):  Oh…but we probably won't go there.

Squee:  How come?

KidK:  Dad doesn't like it.

Dib:  Well, it's a vote of nine against one, then.

KidK:  Well, eight against two—my Mom will vote with Dad just for the look of the thing—and anyway Dad's the leader, so…we'll probably end up at Burger King.

Zim:  'Burger King?'  The ruler of cow meats?

Dib:  No, Zim…(a crafty look crosses his features)…er, yeah!  That's just what it is!  It's the secret operating headquarters of the King of Burgers, who reigns supreme over all beef products!

Squee:  Um, no it's not—

Dib (hurriedly):  Yes it is!  Of course, a kid like you wouldn't know that, Squee, since you're not 'in the know' about such things.  I, on the other hand have…_sources_.

Zim:  If this is true…then this may be the key to my mission!  Yes!  I shall overthrow this King of Burgers and rule the world!  Wahahahahahaaaaaa!

'Nny (to KidK):  Should I tell him, or do you want to?

KidK:  Nah…best to just let things like this run their course.  If I try to convince him he's wrong, he'll just sulk and claim I'm keeping him from fulfilling his destiny.

'Nny:  Oh.  I suppose you're right.  Hey, don't they have those brainfreezy-ish things at Burger King?

KidK:  Oh yeah!  They do!  I think they might even have a flavor called Black Cherry!

'Nny:  Cherry 'freezy?  OK, now the vote is seven to three for Burger King.  Or should it be six to four?  Zim seems pretty passionate about destroying the King of Burgers, after all…

KidK (laughing):  I know when I'm outnumbered.  No way I'd complain and deprive anyone of brainfreezy.

'Nny:  Yay!  Cherry 'freezy here we come!

KidK:  Right!  Yay!

A new song starts on the tape, catching KidK's ear and giving her an idea.

KidK:  Hey, it's 'I Want Candy!'  Hee, I'll bet we can change the lyrics to something even better, can't we, 'Nny-kun?

'Nny:  I'll bet we can at that, Missy.

Zim:  Bet?  Who's betting who?

Dib:  Nobody.  KidK's gonna sing, so I don't need to exploit your gambling weakness…you'll already be hypnotized by her voice.

Zim:  You speak lies, big-headed monkey.

Squee:  Shh!  I wanna hear what Missy sings!

KidK:  Heehee, fun!  Let's do it!  (the vocals of the song begin, and KidK sings her revised lyrics over top of them)  _I_ know a drink that's _cold_ and _sweet_!  So _i_cy-good it _can't_ be _beat_!  Take it, 'Nny!

'Nny (also replacing lyrics):  One _of_ the only things that _I_ de_sire_!  _Sets_ all my taste _buds_ on _fire_!

KidK and 'Nny (wow are they happy):  _Iiiiiiiiiiiii_ want '_free_-zy!  _Iiiiiiiiiiiii_ want '_free_-zy!

Dib:  This is almost _too_…cute.

Zim:  Ugh, for once we agree.

KidK (ignoring this criticism):  _Go_ to get some when the _sun_ goes _down_, cuz there _ain't_ no finer _drink_ in _town_!

'Nny:  It's my _fa_vorite thing, yeah, _I_ a_dore_ it—so _sweet_ I'd do _a_nything _for_ it!

Zim (under his breath):  Like kill everyone in sight…

KidK (jabbing Zim with an elbow while continuing to sing):  _Iiiiiiiiiiiiiii_ want _free_-zy!  _Yeah_!  (whispering under cover of the musical interlude)  Quiet, Zim.  Don't mess up his good mood.  He _did_ save your life, after all.

Zim (grumbling):  Hmf.  Nuh-_uh_.

'Nny:  'Freezy when it's hot—there's _no_thing _bet_ter, but _I'll_ drink 'freezy in _a_ny kinda _wea_ther.

KidK (picking up the song once more):  Thanks to _Dib_, the ma_chine_ is _mine_!  So _I_ can have 'freezy _all_ the time!  Come on, sing along!

KidK, 'Nny, Squee, and Dib:  _Iiiiiiiiiiiii_ want '_free_-zy!  _Iiiiiiiiiiiii_ want '_free_-zy!  _Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii_ want '_free_-zy!   _Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii_  want '_free_-zy!  _Hey_!

KidK:  Yay!  That was too much fun!

Squee:  I think I like that version even better!  Do you mind if I write it down when I get home?

'Nny:  Why would we?  Heh, it's not like we're big nasty music producers or anything.

Zim (still pouty):  No, you're just evil humans who refuse to accept that you did not 'save' me.

KidK:  We've gotta get you out of this funk, Zimmy!  Come on, 'Calling You' is on!

Dib (sarcastically):  Yeah, now we can listen as the members of Aqua prove they can spell the word 'calling.'

KidK (sinister):  Don't…diss…the Aqua.

Dib:  O_O…man!  Scariness runs in your family, KidK!

KidK (sheepishly):  Sorry.  I guess it does, huh?

'Nny (reflectively):  You know, this is the very first Aqua song I ever heard.

Dib:  You didn't hear 'Barbie Girl' first?  That's the only one that ever got played on the radio.

'Nny:  Nah, most of the time I only listen to Classical, especially since the onset of the inescapable plague of depression in popular music this past decade.  No, I have Missy to thank for introducing me to Aqua.

KidK:  If I remember correctly, you introduced _yourself_.  I was getting bandages for you and you 'borrowed' my Walkman.  Heh, that was the first time you visited my window at midnight.

'Nny:  So, as you see, Dib, this song has a nostalgic connection for us, so you really shouldn't criticize it.

Dib:  What, I can't have my own opinion?  I'm not saying you can't listen to it, I'm just saying that _I_, _personally_, don't like this one.

A few tense seconds pass as Johnny regards Dib critically.  At first, Dib glares right back at him, but after a while he looks a bit nervous.  Then, suddenly, 'Nny grins and turns back to the road.

'Nny:  Good for you!  You've worked it out just right.  It's like John Stuart Mill says, eh, Missy?  Everyone's entitled to believe whatever they want, so long as they don't use those beliefs to oppress the beliefs of others.

KidK (dreamily):  Ah, Mill…it's just too bad he's dead…it would've been awesome to meet him…

'Nny:  Yes…Dib, you should read his book.  Everyone should, really.  God, if people could just be like Mill says they should be, we could avoid so many unpleasant situations.

KidK:  Indeed.  (her pocket starts ringing and she extracts the cell phone once more)  Hey, somebody's calling me during 'Calling You.'  Weeeeird…(she pushes the 'answer' button)  Myello?  (I like answering the phone like this)

KidK's Mom (split screen dealie):  Hello, silly.  Just wanted to tell you we're almost to Flemington—that's where we're stopping, you know.

KidK:  Yeah, I figured as much.

KidK's Mom:  Is Burger King all right with you guys?  Ask everyone if you need to.

KidK:  Already discussed it, and we all felt Burger King was a fine choice.

KidK's Mom (sounding relieved):  Oh, good.  I was worried you'd whine for Pizza Hut.

Gaz (in the background):  This town has a _Pizza Hut_?!

KidK's Dad (also background):  Actually, didn't they shut that down?

KidK:  Tell Dad he's a genius if Gaz believes that.  Anyway, we want Burger King cuz they have brainfreezy and cuz Zim wants to usurp control of the world from the King of Burgers.

Zim:  I will defeat him!

KidK's Mom:  Uh, sure.

KidK's Dad:  Ask her if Johnny's still keeping his promise to buy lunch.

KidK's Mom:  Missy, is Johnny still—

KidK:  I heard.  Lemme ask him.  Hey, 'Nny, Dad wants to know if you're still buying lunch.

'Nny:  Why wouldn't I be?

KidK:  He says why wouldn't he be.

KidK's Mom:  Okay.  If he's sure…well, remember the Flemington roads are all twisty-curvy and confusing, so make sure you follow properly.

KidK:  Yeah.  Try to keep Dad from making illegal U-turns, though.  They're fun and all, but if you just keep doing it it becomes…less fun.

KidK's Mom:  I'll do what I can.  See you soon.

KidK:  Byebye. (she hangs up)  We're almost there and Mom just wants us to be careful.

'Nny:  Well, _that_ all depends on your father.

KidK:  I know.  That's…not so good.

Flash to the Camry!

KidK's Dad:  You guys've gotta help me now—let me know when you see the Burger King on the other side of the road, so I can take the next jughandle.

Gaz (looking out the window):  So this is Flemington.  Man, it's like fast-food _world_ here.

Mike-the-Brother:  Yeah, this is just the highway part.  Off this road are…*shudder*…outlet stores.

KidK's Mom:  Hey!  I _like_ outlet stores!  Maybe we can go—

KidK's Dad:  Look!  There's the Burger King!

Gir:  Yay!  I'm gonna get a crown!  And a Happy Meal!

Mike-the-Brother:  There's no _Happy Meals_ at Burger King, Gir.  They're Big Kid's Meals.

Gir (singing):  Mommy, _wow_!  _I'm_ a _big_ kid _now_!

Mike-the-Brother (smacking his forehead):  Oy…I am _not_ sitting next to him in the restaurant.

Gaz:  You call Burger King a restaurant?

KidK's Dad:  I'm taking the jughandle now, so hold on.

Flemington's streets are horrible.  The town is a maze of circles, jughandles, U-turns, one-way streets, and mysterious throughways.  Mom and Dad used to live here, but I still don't know how they can find their way around.  Miraculously, both cars make it to Burger King without crashing, despite the best efforts of the idiot drivers that are as much a part of Flemington's traffic as the poorly-designed road system.

Well, that's it for now!  Wow, that was a great chapter, huh?  Lots of heroism and of course an epic appearance by the Tallest!  Are you sick of this story yet?  Hope not, because the next bit gets really good!  ^_^

_Well, It's Time For Lunch!  Will Zim Conquer The King Of Burgers?  Will KidK And 'Nny Get The Brainfreezys They So Richly Deserve?  And, Most Importantly, Will Gir Get His Crown?!  Find Out In The Next Installment Of:  Road Trip…Of DOOM!_


	5. Good Burger

Road Trip…of DOOM

An Invader Zim Fanfiction by KidKourage

Part 5—Good Burger 

          Yaaaaaaay!  Another chapter in this, the longest story I have ever written!  Yes, it is official—this is the longest story I have ever written.  No wonder it's taking so darned long…but I digress.  Well, it was originally supposed to just be about a trip to the Lakota Preserve, but then I had to get them there and that's how Part 1 was born…and then I was writing the hiking part and that got out of hand and Part 2 was going to be like 50 pages long, so I split it up.  And then I decided I wanted to write about lunch, but Part 4 was getting long too and so that got split.  And so now I'm on Part 5 and suddenly getting images in my head involving outlet shopping in Flemington…no!  No!  Bad head images!  Stay in there and don't start coming up with dialogue for yourselves!  Waaaaaaa!  OK, end rant.  The saga of Burger King begins…now.

The scene is the Flemington Burger King!  Wow, it's so amazingly like every other Burger King in the multiverse that it's scary!  I'm reeeeeally trying to finish this thing, so let's skip the ordering process and get straight to the eating.  To accommodate the whole group, they've pushed together two four-person tables and a two-person table.  This is the seating arrangement, and the reasoning behind it.  'Nny sits down by the window to stay as far away from the rest of mankind as possible.  KidK sits across from him because, as you'll see, they're sharing food.  Zim immediately throws himself into the seat next to KidK, then glares at the inevitable taunting from Dib.  Gir leaps on 'Nny, declaring that he 'misses his pointy friend,' and so gets the seat across from Zim.  Dib takes the seat next to Gir, to 'keep an eye on Zim.'  Mike takes the seat next to Dib, to have a buffer between himself and Gir, and Gaz takes the seat across from him so they'll be able to battle.  KidK's Mom and Dad take the end seats, with Dad on Mike's side since he's a lefty.  This leaves one spot for Squee—in the middle, completely surrounded by 'scary people.'  And thus, the meal begins.

KidK's Mom (leaning forward):  Missy!

KidK:  Yeah, Mom?

KidK's Mom:  Are you sure that's all you want to eat?

KidK:  What?  We've got eight chicken tenders!  That's four each!

KidK's Mom:  I'm not sure that's healthy…

Zim:  _I'm_ not _either_.

KidK:  It'd be unhealthy if I ate _more_.

'Nny:  You're really certain you don't mind sharing?

KidK:  Of course!  I was gonna get a Kid's Meal anyway, since I don't like to eat a ton of food all at once, and this way I could save you a few bucks…unlike the _rest_ of my family.  (she glares at her Dad)

KidK's Dad:  Huh?  What'd I do?

KidK's Mom:  Nothing, honey.  Though ordering two bacon triple cheeseburgers was a bit…much.

Mike-the-Brother:  Yeah, Dad, why didn't you get chicken sandwiches like the rest of us _normal_ people?

Dib:  Hey!  I've got a Whopper!  

Mike-the-Brother:  I rest my case.

Dib:  Shut up!

Zim:  Bwahahaha!  The Dib is not normal!

Dib:  _You're_ one to talk, alien!  What kind of person goes to a fast-food restaurant and orders a _veggie_ burger?

Zim:  The kind who knows where human meat-products come from!  (he makes a pukey face)  Dis-_gus_ting!

'Nny:  So, Zim, you're a vegetarian then?  That's admirable.

Zim:  Indeed it is!  You will all bow before my vegetarian might!  How can you eat that meat stuff when _you_ are made of meat _yourselves_?

KidK:  Zim, don't even joke.  You're not a vegetarian and you know it.  Just yesterday you were ranting to Mom about how her chicken cacciatore is the most delicious food in the universe and that you must have the recipe to tempt the humans into complacence!

KidK's Mom:  That's true, you did.

Zim:  …_curses_!  Well, from now _on_ I am vegetarian!  No more filthy meat products for me!  No sir!

Squee:  I saw on TV that Burger King meat is made from napkins anyway, though, so we're all kinda eating vegetarian.

Gaz:  I'm willing to believe that.  Mike, why did you tell me that this chicken club sandwich was good?  It's got…_mayonnaise_ on it!

Mike-the-Brother:  It does?  Oh, so _that's_ why it tastes like a rotten salad!  I guess what I wanted to get wasn't a chicken _club_ sandwich, it was just the _regular_ chicken sandwich.  (we are confused every time we go to Burger King)

Gaz:  Fat lot of good that does us _now_.

KidK's Mom:  You can just scrape the mayo off with a French fry.  See, that's what I did with mine.

Gaz:  And waste a perfectly good fry?!

KidK's Dad:  Here, you can have one of mine as a replacement.  I got the biggest size, so…

KidK's Mom:  Honey!  You can't eat all that!

KidK's Dad:  I know.  But everybody else ordered the really small sizes, so when you all finish and want more fries I'll be ready to ward off your whining.

KidK:  _I_ for one am not gonna whine…I've got all I want right here.

KidK's Mom:  What size fries have you two got down there?

KidK:  Just small.

KidK's Mom:  No way is that enough food for two people!

Mike-the-Brother:  It is if those two people are as skinny as KidK and Johnny!

KidK:  Look who's talking, Mike!  You weigh less than _I_ do!

Mike-the-Brother:  Oh, right.  (note: Mike is exactly 'Nny's height and weight…isn't that spooky?)

'Nny (pensively):  It's just too bad that they didn't have that Black Cherry 'freezy flavor anymore…or we two would be consuming more calories than the rest of you combined.

KidK:  Right on!  Cherry 'freezy is worth it!  I would've probably ordered three just for me!  (she raises her drink in a mock toast to Cherry 'freezy everywhere, then takes a gulp)

'Nny:  Me, I would've forgone food entirely and just ordered about six drinks.

Mike-the-Brother:  Heh, but instead you've got one Blue-Raspberry-and-Vanilla Twist between you.

KidK:  Again, an economical decision.  Poor 'Nny-kun barely got away with loose change left over as it is.

'Nny:  Don't worry about that.  I've got plenty of money at home…I think.  Ah, well, it doesn't matter much.  (he takes a drink of the decidedly not-Cherry 'freezy)

Mike-the-Brother:  But…sharing a drink…isn't that like…indirect kissing?

'Nny (nearly choking on the 'freezy):  O_O…**_what_**?!

KidK:  Mike, you jerk!  You made 'Nny all chokey.

Gir:  Don't die, Johneeeee!  I luvs youuu!

'Nny:  It's…okay.  I'm…fine.

KidK:  You sure?  Cuz I'll beat Mike up if you want.

KidK's Mom:  No fighting!

Zim:  Mike-beast!  Were you telling the truth?!

Mike-the-Brother:  Yeah.  Duh!  You  know, sharing spit and all.

KidK:  Well congratulations, Mike.  That's just about the stupidest thing you've ever said.

Zim:  Yes!  Why would KidK want to kiss the 'Nny?

Dib:  Zim is just jealous.

Gir:  Oooo!  What flavor?

Everyone:  ……………

Gir:  I'm a happy Burger King!  Lookit my crown!  (he waves the cardboard crown, mildly concussing Dib)

Dib:  Hey!  Gir, the crown belongs on _your_ head, not hitting _mine_!

Zim:  *gasp!*  That reminds me!  I must develop my plan to overthrow the King of Burgers!

Mike-the-Brother:  Oh, god, not _this_ again.  What have you guys been telling him _this_ time?

Zim:  Silence!  Do not break my concentration or I will terminate you with extreme prejudice!

Dib:  Doesn't that mean 'with an ax?'

KidK:  Yay for Pratchett quotes!  You go, Dib!

Zim:  Did I not tell you to be quiet?!

KidK's Dad:  Yeah, all of you shut up!  I'm trying to enjoy my burgers over here!

KidK's Mom:  You're only adding to the noise!

'Nny (quietly to Gir):  I suppose I should thank you for taking the attention off of me.

Gir:  I'm royal-tee!  I'm gonna ride in a punkin' and have horsies an' balls an' a fairly god-thingy-lady just like Cindy-reller!

'Nny:  Well, your Highness, would you like some brainfreezy?

Gir:  I wooooood…heehee!  Happy 'freezy Burgery King!

KidK's Mom:  Shhhh!  Be quiet or no dessert when we get home!

Everyone:  ……………. (absolute silence)

Radio:  _Oo_--oo, lollipop!  You make my heart go giddyup!

KidK's Mom:  Better.  Oh, I haven't heard this song in years.

KidK's Dad:  I've never heard this song ever.

KidK's Mom (singing along):  You set my heart on _fi_-ire…yes you have!

Mike-the-Brother:  Mom, what's with you and weird old songs?

Note:  from this point until I say otherwise, this is a _real conversation_ I had on March 1, 2002, in an area Burger King…only with a couple fictional people taking over some of Mike's and my lines.

KidK's Mom:  You know, I don't think I've heard this since the time when I went to visit my Nana on Long Island for the World's Fair.

KidK:  And when was that, Mom?  Like forty years ago, right?

KidK's Mom:  I don't know exactly.  I was really little, though, so probably about that long.

Mike-the-Brother:  And you remember the lyrics?

Kid's Mom (singing again):  You are my _bur_nin' de-_si_-ire…why shouldn't I?

Mike-the-Brother:  Cuz that's a really long time!  It's not like you went to visit Nana for the World's Fair every _week_ or anything…

KidK's Mom:  No…they don't have the World's Fair every week.  

Dib:  Actually, didn't they stop having that altogether a long time ago?  My dad said once that he used to debut his inventions there when he was a kid, but now…not.

KidK:  Yeah, Mike, and it's not even as though they had the World's Fair at Nana's house every time, either!

Mike-the-Brother:  O_o………….(he bursts out laughing)

KidK:  What?  What'd I say?

Mike-the-Brother:  Oh, that's good!  They had the World's Fair at Nana's house!  Hoo, boy!

Dib:  Hey, that's true!  She _did_ say that!  Wahahahahaaaaa!

KidK (glowering):  ¬_¬ ……………….that's not what I meant.

Mike-the-Brother:  It's like--(he holds up one hand to his ear like a 'phone')--Oh, hello, Nana?  We need a place to have the World's Fair this year, and we want to use _your_ backyard!

Dib (into his own 'phone,' as Nana):  Oooooh, I'd be so honored!

KidK's Mom:  You shut up!  My Nana didn't even _have_ a backyard!  And anyway she could kick your butts!

Gaz:  Really?  Like a real-life version of Kung-fu Grannies of the Apocalypse?

Mike-the-Brother:  She could unleash her army of gypsies on us!  (note:  Mom always says that her Nana was always worried about the gypsies…okaaaaay…)

KidK's Mom:  No, she didn't like gypsies!  They would steal away children!

Squee:  Really?  (he looks around nervously)  You don't think there are any around here, do you?

Gir (jumping up and doing a little dance):  _I_ am the _Queen_ of the _Gyp_-sies!  Gyp-gyp-gyp-gyp-_gyp_-sies!  (if you've never seen this episode of 'I Love Lucy'…I pity you)

Dib (scornfully):  There are no _gypsies_…that's just a myth.

KidK's Mom (menacingly):  Are you calling my Nana a _liar_?

Dib:  *gulp!*  Noooo, Mrs. KidK's Mom…

KidK's Mom:  Good.  Now everybody be quiet and eat your food.  

Note:  I have all respect for the Roma, or 'gypsy' heritage, and in no way mean to defame this often-persecuted group of people.  It's my ancestors who were disrespectful fools, not me.  ^_^  Anyway, that's the end of my real-life conversation, which really happened.  Silence prevails for a few moments as people consume what for lack of a better word must be called food.  Then, suddenly…

Zim:  I have completed my meal…(he stands up, one foot on his chair and the other planted firmly on the tabletop, and raises his iron fist skyward)…and now it is time for _conqueeeeeeeessssst_!  (he jumps down and scurries off toward the ordering…place…heehee, scurry)

KidK's Dad:  Hey!  I'm not done my fries yet!  Don't get us thrown out!

Zim (looking back):  Oh, by the time my plan is complete, you won't have to worry at all about being thrown out _ever_!  For I shall rule the Burger King, and with its might…I shall rule the _world_!  Muhahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Gaz (looking over at Dib):  Well?  Aren't you going to run off bellowing about how you're gonna 'save mankind' like you _always_ do?

Dib (surprised):  *blink blink*  You…you _want_ me to save mankind?  You…_care_?  Oh, sis, that's so--

Gaz:  No I don't _care_.  I just want you away from _me_.  Maybe you and Zim can destroy each other.  Now _that_ would be something to look _forward_ to.

Dib (dejectedly):  Oh…well, I guess I'll be going, then.  (he slides down off his seat looking all sad, pauses for a second, then points his index finger in the air and yells, with all confidence)  You won't get away with this, _Zim_!  (he runs off after Zim)

KidK:  *sigh*  Well…_this_ should be interesting…I don't think anyone's ever tried to conquer _Burger King_ before.

'Nny:  One time there was this homeless guy in the local McDonald's who was ranting something about 'ruling the corporation,' but I gave him a Noodle Boy comic and that quieted him down.

KidK:  Oooo, 'Nny is the savior of McDonald's!  And bringer of entertainment to the impoverished masses…I'll bet he was really happy to have something to read and laugh at, huh?

'Nny (raising an eyebrow questioningly):  What?  No.  He used it to blow his nose, actually…then he fell over and went to sleep.

KidK:  Oh.

'Nny:  At least he didn't throw anything at my head this time.

KidK:  Well…_that's_ good, then.

Zim (off in the background):  You!  Fry-making…person!  Where is the King of Burgers?!

Mike-the-Brother:  Sounds like it's starting.

Gaz:  Who cares?  Let's battle!  Your Mom gave me an idea—I should beat you at Kung Fu Grannies next.

Mike-the-Brother:  My Custom Nana-samurai can kill anything you throw at her!

Gaz:  Suuuuuure…_my_ Grampy of Doom has a special cane that shoots lasers _and_ has a blade at the end!

Mike-the-Brother:  Nana-samurai has a rocket wheelchair!

Gaz:  What-ever.  Less talk, more fight, okay?

KidK's Mom:  I hope those boys don't get themselves into too much trouble…it'd be so embarrassing.

KidK's Dad:  Yeah, you'd never be able to show your face in Flemington again…(he thinks about this, and grins)  Hey, Zim!  Do as much damage as possible!  And Dib!  Make sure you break things while you try to stop him!  Heheheheh…

KidK's Mom:  Very funny.

Gir:  I'm the Burger Queen of Gypsies!  (singing)  _Some_day my _prince_ will _cooooome_…

KidK's Mom:  *sigh*

Meanwhile, over at the counter, Zim has leaped up onto the deep fryer to corner a hapless employee…

Fry Fryer Patrick:  Um….whut?

Zim (grabbing Pat by the collar):  Do not fool with me, filthy grease human!  You know _exactly_ what I mean.

Fry Fryer Patrick:  King of Burgers?  Uhhhhhh…nope!  

Zim:  _You vex me_!  Thus you will be the first casualty in my war against the King!  (he makes like he's gonna beat up Patrick, then stops, a thoughtful look on his face)  Hmmmm…but perhaps he keeps his _true_ identity a secret even from his underlings…human, you are given a second chance to live.  Just answer this simple question—(he gets right in Patrick's face)—who is the master of this establishment?

Fry Fryer Patrick:  Ohhhhh….ummm…duhhhhh…you mean the shift captain?  Herb?

Zim:  And where may I find this…Herb?

Fry Fryer Patrick:  I think he's on drive-thru duty right now…I think.  Mmmmmmyep.

Zim (dropping Patrick):  Thank you.  You have been most helpful.  When my new burger order rules the world, I may have a position for you as Chief Fryer of…Fried…Things.  Yes.  (he pauses, then continues dramatically)  _To the drive-thruuuuuuuuuuu_!  

He runs toward the little enclosure-thingy where the drive-thru peeps are taking orders at (you like my grammar, si?).  At that moment, Dib finally catches up, and vaults over the counter quite like an action hero.

Dib (pointing at a random employee):  Hey!  Did you see where the alien went?

Hello-My-Name-Is-Bryanna:  Alien?!! (she flashes her perfect white smile)  There's no such thing as aliens, silly!!!

Dib:  *sigh*  Then did you see where the extremely short guy with green skin and no nose or ears went?

Hello-My-Name-Is-Bryanna:  Oh, him?!  He went to see the boss!!  In the drive-thru window!!!  I think that kid is crazy, cuz he said Herb was the King or something!  That's so wacky!!!

Dib (thinking):  _And I'm saving the planet for people like her…_ (he, too, takes off in the direction of the drive-thru, and once there sees Zim)  Ha!  I have you now!

Zim (smugly):  Oh, no, Dib.  It is _I_ who have _you_.  You see, after speaking with Mister (air quotes) '_Herb_,' here, he has graciously granted me possession of his kingdom.

Shift Captain Herb:  Ah tol' 'im, if'n he wants ta run th' Burger King, 'e kin _have_ it!  Ah don' _want_ this 'ere dead-end job na more.

Zim:  So you see, _Dib_, I have already won.  The King of Burgers has relinquished his crown and his empire to the _true_ ruler!  Muhahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!  (pointing, matter-of-factly)  You lose.  (he resumes his maniacal laughter) Bwahahahahahahaha!

Dib:  So?

Zim:  Ahahahahaha—what?__

Dib:  I said, 'so?'  Who cares if you're now the shift captain of the Flemington Burger King?  All you rule over is a handful of horribly brain-dead teenagers!

Zim:  You delude yourself, Dib-monkey.  You may believe that you have not suffered a devastating loss…_but you have_!  You _have_, I tell you!  With the power of the King of Burgers I am now lord and master of _all_ cow-meat products and greasy potato-y simulations!  And you humans simply cannot _live_ without your precious beef and fries, _can_ you?

Dib:  Uh, yeah.  We can.  Duh!

Zim:  You can _not_!

Dib:  Don't you get it, Zim?  When I said that there was a clandestine operation being run from Burger King in the car, I was trying to _trick_ you!  I wanted you to _think_ that there was really a King of Burgers, because I wanted to make a _fool_ of you!  Boy, is everyone going to laugh when they find out that you successfully conquered this dive!  (he strikes a victorious pose)  Wahahahahaaaaaaa!

Zim:  Stop that laughing, beast-child!  It grates on my nerves even more than the sound of your normal voice!

Shift Captain Herb:  So…are you gonna take over fer me or not, kid?

Dib:  Yeah, Zim, are you gonna accept your fate as a burger flipper?  Heheheh….ahahahahahaaaa, etcetera!

Zim (eye twitch):  I will have _reveeeeeeeeeeeenge_!  (he gets out a laser and levels it at Dib's head)  It's no Ultimate Power Blaster 6000, but it will perform its function.

Dib:  Ahahaha—oops!  Time to go!  

Dib flees from Zim's laser gun, knowing full well that if the Irken fires that thing, while it probably won't hit _him_, it will likely cause a grease fire or something equally dangerous.

Dib:  Everybody!  Quick!  Alien on a mindless rampage!  Run for you _liiiiiives_!

Zim:  Come back here, monkey, so I can fry your head like a potato!

Hello-My-Name-Is-Bryanna:  Like, ohmigawd!!!  Eeeeeeeeeek!!!!

Fry Fryer Patrick:  Duhhhhh…huh?

KidK:  Uh ohhhhhh…

KidK's Mom (perfectly calmly):  So, is everybody done eating?

KidK's Dad:  Not me!

KidK's Mom (ignoring him):  Is everyone but _him_ done?

Everyone Else (sounding bored):  Yes.

KidK's Mom:  Then let's go!  

Mike-the-Brother:  Wait just a sec!  I'm about to win!

Gaz:  No you're not!

KidK's Mom (exasperated):  Quick, before that Zim blows something up and gets the _police_ on our trail!

Squee (pointing):  Um…there were some policemen having coffee over there…where'd they go?

Policeman Rob:  Hey, you punk kids!

Policeman George:  Freeze!  (he draws his gun and starts firing randomly—NJ cops are known for this _)

Zim:  You're _mine_, Dib-mon—_aaaaaaaaaaaaaah_!  (he throws himself on the floor to dodge the errant bullets)

Dib:  Don't fire at _me_, fire at the alien!

Policeman Rob:  I don't see no alien, kid, but I _do_ see a coupla troublemakers who need to be taught a lesson.  George!  Cuff 'em!

KidK (she's nuts!):  **_I'll_**_ save you_!  (she jumps up, runs past the cops, and hoists Zim over her shoulder, then draws her Ultimate Power Blaster 6000 and turns it on the two officers, smiling cheerfully)  Don't move, and everything will be aces, okay?  (she turns to her stunned family)  Well, what're you _waiting_ for?  Go out to the car! (they all go)  Hey, Gir!

Gir:  Yeeeeeees, Missy?

KidK:  C'mere.  (the puppy-android squeeks his way over)  Now, when I count to three, I want you to run over and let Dib ride you out to 'Nny-kun's car, okie dokie?  You refueled him, right Zim?

Zim:  *sigh*  Yes.  _Why_ am I _al_ways being dragged around like this?

KidK:  Because you're accident-prone.  Ready, Gir?  One…two…_three_!

Gir blasts over to Dib, who is looking rather upset at being turned on by his own law-enforcement system, and lets him climb on his back before rocketing out to the car…through a plexiglass window.  After safely depositing Dib in the shotgun seat, Gir happily skips over to the Camry as if nothing has happened.  KidK, meanwhile, turns and bolts out the door, dodging bullets from behind.  Once reaching the car, she launches herself and her Irken passenger into the back seat next to the severely traumatized Squee, and 'Nny quickly throws his seat back into position, jumps in, and floors it, following KidK's Dad, who has already done the same.  The cops are left confused in a cloud of dust.

Policeman George:  What just happened?

Policeman Rob:  I _think_ a teenage girl just held us at gunpoint with a SuperSoaker.

Policeman George:  The Sarge isn't gonna like _this_ when he hears about it.

Policeman Rob:  _If_ he hears about it.

Policeman George:  If…if is good.  (heehee, 'Hercules' reference)

Policeman Rob (turning to the crowd):  Nothing to see here…

Fry Fryer Patrick:  Uhhhhh…whuh?

In the Camry…

KidK's Mom (hysterical):  I thought you said she _didn't_ have a gun!  Where did she _get_ something like that?  Ooooo, that _Zim_!  I'll bet _he_ was the one!

KidK's Dad:  Could you calm down?  She handled the situation and we're all safe now.

KidK's Mom (incredulous):  This isn't _like_ you!  Normally you'd go flying off the _deep_ end!

KidK's Dad (shrugging):  She had to do _something_.  It was actually…pretty funny.  Ahahaha…(he looks over at his wife, who is _not_ laughing)  Well, fine.  Want me to call her up and yell at her or something?  Or maybe I could just confiscate her little gun when she gets home?

KidK's Mom:  _Little gun_?!  That thing was _huge_!  We are _so_ taking that thing away from her!  I'm gonna call her right now and tell her just that!  

She yanks her cell phone out of her purse and practically slams her fingers through the buttons.  Meanwhile, in Johnny's car…

KidK:  Phew!  That was close, eh?

Zim:  I could've taken them.

Dib (clearly shaken):  I just…can't believe…they would put me on the same level as…_him_…

'Nny (very quietly):  _I_ can't believe that you have a _gun_, Missy.  I had thought…that you weren't that kind of person.

KidK:  Really, I'm not.  It was just a present from my pal Red-sama.  I would never, _ever_, fire it at anyone.  It's just…those guys…they were gonna hurt Dib and Zim, and so…

Squee:  You saved them.  For real.

KidK:  I guess so.  (she looks rather distraught)  Please don't be mad at me, 'Nny-kun.  I know how you despise firearms, but…

'Nny:  You had to.  (he meets her eye in the rearview mirror)  To protect your friends.  I believe you that you'd never actually use that…(venomously)…_thing_.  And, anyway, who am _I_ to judge anyone?

KidK:  I'll send it back to Red as soon as I get home.  I guess it was fun to have it for a while, but it really felt…_wrong_…to actually _point_ it at somebody.  *shudder*  Scary.

Zim:  You shouldn't have such a weapon anyway.  Only the Irken elite are meant to have that kind of power.

KidK (relieved):  Right!  I don't belong wielding something like this.  I don't belong wielding _anything_!  I'm a warrior of love and justice, remember?  They don't _have_ weapons, they have magic powers.

Squee:  You have magic powers?

KidK:  Sure do!  Magic…tickling powers!  (she starts tickling Squee)

Squee:  Heehee!  Hey, cut it out!  Heeheehee!

'Nny (more to himself than anything else):  Innocent to a fault…after all…

Dib:  Do you think they'll come after us?

KidK:  Naw.

'Nny:  In my experience, the police are usually just glad to stay where they are and argue amongst themselves rather than give chase.

KidK:  Yeah, the one we really need to worry about is—(her phone starts ringing)—that's her now.  Everybody stay _really_ quiet, and I'll handle this.  (she picks up the phone)  Hi.

KidK's Mom:  Don't you 'hi' me, young lady!  Tell me what you were doing with a gun!

KidK:  A friend gave it to me as a present, but I'm going to—

KidK's Mom:  A friend, eh?  Was it _Zim_?

KidK:  No.  It was somebody you don't know personally.  His name's Red and he's one of the rulers of Zim's planet.

Zim:  Don't tell her that!

KidK:  Shhhh!  

KidK's Mom:  Oh, _him_.  He called once while I was polishing Zim's console—that kid makes such a mess—and was all pouty because you weren't home.  In _my_ opinion, if he's such an almighty _ruler_, he should go do his _job_ and not hang around giving my daughter a _gun_!

KidK (soothingly):  Right, right.  And I'm going to send it back to him as soon as we get home, okay?

KidK's Mom:  You _better_ had!  

KidK:  I will!  Really!

KidK's Mom (diffused):  Alright.  See you later.  (she hangs up)

KidK's Dad:  Well, what'd she say?

KidK's Mom:  She says she's gonna send it back to the guy who gave it to her.

KidK's Dad: That's good, right?

KidK's Mom (gruffly):  Yeah, I guess.

KidK's Dad:  Am _I_ in trouble for this?  You shouldn't be mad at _me_!

KidK's Mom:  Did I _say_ I was?

Mike-the-Brother:  Can you guys argue some other time?

Gaz:  Yeah, we're trying to play and all.

Gir:  Don't be sad, Mommy!  I'll sing a song to cheer you up!  (singing)  Ohhhh, _I'm_ just wild about _Mom_my!  And _Mom_my's _wild_ about _meeeeee_!

KidK's Dad:  I'm not gonna take an hour of that.  Tell him you're cheered up.

KidK's Mom:  Gir!  Look!  I'm smiling!  (she smiles real big and scary)  I'm _so_ **_happy_**!

Gir:  Yaaaaaaaaaaay!  Heehee!

And in the other car…

KidK:  Well, that's that, I guess.  Red's gonna be disappointed.

Dib:  You don't _have_ to send that thing back to him…you could give it to me instead.

KidK:  Really.  And what would you do with it?

Dib:  I dunno.  Analyze it and use the data against Zim I guess.

Zim:  KidK!  Do not betray Irken secrets to our enemies!

KidK (raising an eyebrow):  '_Our_' enemies?

Zim:  Of course!  You are _my_ ally, correct?

Dib:  No she's not!

Zim:  Yes she _is_!

'Nny:  Before this gets any more annoying, let me remind you that—

Dib (hurriedly):  Oh, you don't have to remind us of anything, Johnny!  We already know, and will now proceed to shut up!  Right, _Zim_?

Zim:  Right, right.  But KidK is still _my_ ally.

Dib:  For the sake of my life, and thus of the world…yes, you're right.

'Nny:  Good.  Now let's listen to Schumann like Missy wanted before.  I found it in the trunk.

KidK:  Neat!  What stuff is on it?

'Nny:  It's 'Scenes From Childhood.'  Written entirely for piano in compilation with—

KidK:  His wife.  I know, cuz I played a lot of those songs.  I like 'Of Strange Lands and People,' myself.

The tape goes on, and the five are treated to lovely piano music.  Still, while _I_ find this kind of stuff interesting and fun to listen to (and play!), I know that most people find Classical music to be sleep-inducing, especially when coupled with a day full of physical exertion.  And, indeed, within about fifteen minutes…

Squee:  *snore*  …mmm, 'freezy…not the squirrels…

Dib:  *snore*  …whopper…deluxe…

Zim:  *snore*  …no, don't you come any closer…

KidK:  They're cute when they're asleep, huh?

'Nny:  I suppose.  About sleeping, by the way…

KidK:  Yes?

'Nny:  I think I've finally worked out what I want to say to you about…the other night.

KidK:  I already told you, you don't need to worry about that.  It was just something that happened.  It was actually kind of…nice, you know?  So why would I hold it against you?  Anyway, _I_ fell asleep on _you_ _first_.

'Nny:  That's just what I was going to make mention of.  As I said, I normally only sleep when I accidentally get comfortable with my situation and stop fighting it.  After thinking about it for a while, I've realized that the fact that _I_ fell asleep isn't even what surprised me—it's the fact that _you_ fell asleep.  See, though it was quite an odd turn of events that I should sleep at _all_, it _does_ happen sometimes.  No one has _ever_ fallen asleep _next_ to me, though.

KidK:  So…it wasn't that _you_ were comfortable that's getting you all embarrassed, it's that _I_ was comfortable _near_ you.  Is that it?

'Nny:  I…think so.  Yes.  Does that make sense at all?  It's just…

KidK:  You're not used to it.  I know.  Still, though I can warn you about impending hugs, I really can't warn you that I'm about to fall asleep—it always catches me off guard myself.

'Nny:  You needn't warn me.  Something so nice _should_ be surprising; in fact, I think that's what _made_ it so nice.

KidK:  Thank you.  (impersonating Marge Simpson)  Now let us never speak of this again.

'Nny:  Okay…Missy?

KidK:  Yeeees?

'Nny:  Earlier…you said that you lo—why is it so bloody _hot_ in here?

KidK:  Is it?  Put on the AC.

'Nny:  Can't.  It…suffered a bad accident some years back.  (he points at a hole where the knob for the air conditioning should be)  It was blowing hot air instead of cold—so now it blows nothing.  That solution seemed like a good idea at the time.

KidK:  Then crack a window.  Don't want ya'll to get overheated or anything.

'Nny:  Actually…I think I'm OK now.

KidK:  Good.  So, what was it you were saying before?

'Nny:  Nothing.  Nothing at all.

KidK:  Oh.  Because I thought you were going to bring up the fact that I said I love you.

'Nny:  Oh, yes…that.  Was I?  Um…………………hey!  'Of Strange Lands and People' is on!

KidK:  Oooo, turn it up!

'Nny:  Won't that wake everyone up?

KidK:  Yes!  And that's good!

'Nny (doubtfully):  Okay….

KidK:  Yay!  (thinking) _I don't mean to throw him off so much…I just forget.  He can't say it, but…I know he wants to be my friend as much as I want to be his.  And that's enough.  _Classical rocks forever!

Zim:  *snirk*  You stinking bears!  (he looks around, all confuzzled)  Wha--?  Whaz goin' on here?

KidK:  Shhhh!  Listen, it's my favorite song of the collection.

Zim:  Oh…it's just lovely.  (he's still all sleepy from his hard day ^.^)  G'night…

Dib (who has now also awakened):  Hey, don't fall asleep again Zim!  Nobody wants to listen to you snore!

Zim:  Huh?   (the insult registers, and he wakes up completely)  I don't snore, monkey!  _You_ snore!

Dib:  No, _you_ do!

'Nny:  Missy!  Remind me why it was a good idea to wake them up.

KidK:  I missed their happy voices of joy and happiness!  ^.^

Squee:  Aw, you talked right through the song!  Can we hear it again?

'Nny:  I'm not sure, but _maybe_ this time we can actually hear it.

He rewinds the tape and 'Of Strange Lands and People' is played through once more.  Still, it's hard to hear under all the arguing….  Thus, the journey continues until the gang finally reaches home.  Obviously, they have to let Dib and Gaz off at their house first.

KidK:  See ya later, Dib!  I hope you had fun!

Dib:  How could it _not_ be fun to see Zim fall on his face in the dirt and get burned by snow and shot at by police?   And obviously the wolves were pretty neat too.  Thanks, KidK!

KidK:  No prob.

Mike-the-Brother:  Bye Gaz!  You'd better practice your Mega Kicks, or you'll _never_ beat Gir at Kung Fu Grannies!

Gaz:  I'll pretend you didn't say that…if only because you're worth more to me alive than dead.

Gir:  _Gaz_zy _lo-_oves _Mi_key!  _Gaz_zy _lo_-oves _Mi_key!  _La_ la _la_ la _laaaaaa_ la!

Gaz:  _You_, on the other hand…

KidK:  Hey, Gir!  Now that Dib had to get out, you can come ride in our car if you want!

Gir:  Yaaaaaaaaay!  I'm goin' with Squeezy! 

KidK's Dad:  _That's_ a relief.

And so the final leg of the trip begins, with Gir now causing mayhem in Johnny's car, much to Squee's horror and KidK's Dad's relief.  A few minutes later, upon arriving at KidK's house, the Camry pulls into the garage and KidK, Zim, and Gir disembark from the little gray car out at the curb.  'Nny gets out too, just cuz he's so polite (^.^), and Squee switches to the front seat.

Gir:  Home!  Ah missed you, house!  Gimme a kiss, kid!  (he 'hugs' the front door gleefully)

KidK:  Gir, you goofball!  *giggle*

'Nny:  Well, it would appear that our journey together has come to an end.  It's certainly been…interesting.  Missy, your wolf friends were wonderful, and I'm honored to have met them.

KidK:  Well, you made a friend of your own, too!  Jasmine will be glad to see you if you ever decide to go back again.

'Nny:  You know what?  I think I will.

Zim (pointing at 'Nny):  You!  Johnny-human!

'Nny:  Yes, Zim?

Zim:  I just wanted to remind you that you did not save my life.

'Nny:  Of course not.  Why would I?

Zim:  But though you were not of any help at all to me in any way, I want to thank you for…

'Nny:  Nothing.

Zim:  Right.  So…thanks for nothing, 'Nny-person.

In a surprising twist, Zim suddenly sticks out a hand.  Johnny raises an eyebrow quizzically, then shakes Zim's hand.  As usual, Zim's show of courtesy and gratitude does not last more than a few seconds, and he quickly pulls away.

Zim:  Good.  Now go away.  (he walks up to the door and opens it)  Come, Gir, we have work to do.  _Important_ work.

Gir:  Hokie dokie, smokey jokey!  (he leaps through the door)  Mikey!  Let's play!

Zim:  No, Gir!  Now is _not_ the time for play!  Obey your master!  (he turns around) And KidK…make your farewell short.  I need to speak to you (he narrows his eyes dangerously)—_privately_.

KidK:  OK, fine.

Zim:  Fine.  (he goes inside and slams the door almost _too_ dramatically)

'Nny (sarcastically):  Bye, Zim!  Good seeing you again!

KidK:  He can be so impossible sometimes.  I can only imagine what he wants to tell me (she imitates Zim's stern voice) '_privately_.'  I apologize for his attitude.

'Nny:  It's all right.  That's just how he is, I suppose.

KidK:  Well, even if _he_ can't express it properly, you're _my_ hero anyhow.  Thanks for helping me out today.

'Nny:  No, it was my pleasure.  It was worth it, if it made you happy.  Er…Missy?

KidK:  Yes, 'Nny-kun?

'Nny (rather shyly):  I…I'm going to give you a hug now.  (he steps forward and wraps his arms around her, carefully, as if he's afraid she might break)

KidK (caught off guard):  Oh!  

'Nny:  Thank you, Missy.  (he breaks the embrace and steps back)

KidK:  No, thank you.

'Nny:  So I'll be seeing you soon?

KidK:  Of course.  See you later, 'Nny!

'Nny:  Goodbye, Missy.

He walks down to his little car, gets in, and pulls away from the curb.  KidK waves until the car is out of sight, then goes inside the house to find out what Zim wants.  However, in Johnny's car…

'Nny:  So, did you have fun today, Squeegee?

Squee:  Yup.  Some scary stuff happened, but good stuff happened too.  And those wolves were really cool!

'Nny:  Indeed.

Squee:  Missy's really nice, isn't she?

'Nny:  Yes.

Squee:  You like her a lot, huh?

'Nny:  ……………………yes.

Squee:  Heehee!

'Nny:  Just listen to the music.

Squee:  Okay.  

Meanwhile, down in Zim's 'secret lab…'

Zim:  So you'd _better_ not go around telling people you saved my life, got it?

KidK:  Of course not.  Who would I tell?

Zim:  Right.  So as long as we're agreed on that point…(he looks around, making sure that no one else is present)…thank you.

KidK:  *blink blink*  _What_?

Zim:  You heard me.  And don't tell anyone about _that_, either!

KidK (stunned):  O…okay…

Zim:  Well, that's settled, then.  Now, come over here and help me with this.  I want you to update my computer's data files on the wolf-creatures in light of the information I've gained through our trip today, while I work on repairing my mech legs.

KidK:  Neat!  So you'll dictate to me, and I'll put it all in.

Zim:  Good.  Ready?

KidK (saluting):  Yes, my partner in doom!

Zim:  Good.  Type this:  although the humans are fond of telling _horrible_ stories about the atrocities supposedly perpetrated by the wolf-beasts, in reality they seem more likely to sniff and lick than bite.  Still, it is important to exercise _some_ caution, since—ugh—they have strong jaws that are somehow able to _destroy_ advanced Irken workmanship.  (he pauses, pondering which data is important)  Beware any wolf with the words 'Princess' or 'Jo-jo' in their names.  They are **_evil_**.  Did you get that so far, KidK?  Read it back to me.

KidK (reciting):  Although the humans are fond…(she continues repeating Zim's words, all the while thinking to herself about the events of the day)  _Well, I suppose 'Nny-kun was right…it **is** nicer when it's surprising._  (she looks over at Zim and smiles)

Zim (noticing this):  What?

KidK:  Nothing, Zim.  Nothing at all.

_The End!_


End file.
